Monday, January 31, 2005

React or Respond

For many years I was defensive and reactive to the innocent comments of other people. You know the joke. Two psychiatrists met in the hallway of a psychiatric hospital and one said, "Good morning, doctor. How are you?" and the other thought to himself, "What did he mean by that?"

Once whileworking at the University of Cincinnati, One of my profs introduced me to a colleague and said, "Gary is a country boy trying to act like he is from the city." I was immediately anxious, worried and upset. It was impossible to get that phrase out of my mind. It was a very small thing that got a very big reaction.

Such a reaction indicates an inner sense of stress, anxiety or nervousness. When we have a minor experience but react to it in a major manner we are simply releasing some of the energy, anger or frustration that is inside us. So, instead of saying, "That makes me mad" we need to admit that "I am making myself mad when I see you do such a thing."

Consider the following scale with 0 as perfect peace and 10 as extreme reactivity. Most of us come from families that fell somewhere in between those two extremes. A normally anxious family may be 4 to 6 on the scale but a family suffering from alcoholism, suicide, illness or abandonment will probably be a 7 or 8.

0-1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10

Family distresses act like earthquakes and the resulting stress, anxiety, and trauma are tsunami-like in their ability to devastate family members far from the original quake. Imagine what happens when sexual abuse occurs in a family. Gran Dad Jones forces his grandchildren to perform acts of sexual intimacy with him. However, no one admits this for several years. Will the victim's children and grandchildren be effected even if they are unaware of the crime?

Yes! Sexual abuse is a Huge earthquake sending tremors into the entire family system. The abuse victim will keep the secret but act differently toward everyone else in the family. She will not be able to develop a truly intimate connection with siblings, parents or a future husband and children. The tsunami wave does damage across the family for many generations.

Now we can see why some people are very reactive. They simply absorbed the wave of anxiety from silent relatives and carried it about like a water soaked sponge ready to let loose with a stream of water at the first slight.

What can we do? Seek healing from Jesus.
Read Isaiah 61


Saturday, January 29, 2005

Why Give Others So Much Power Over Our Lives?

A few weeks ago Dr. Lawrence Summers, President of Harvard, made several statements about why there are the lack of women in the hard sciences. He indicated that some prefer to rear children while others preferred non academic careers. He also indicated that nature or genetics might play some role but he hoped he was wrong.

The comments stirred a firestorm. One woman, Nancy Hopkins, a Ph. D. Who teaches biology at MIT, walked out lest she throw up because his words so upset her. Why, would a brilliant woman give that much power to the words of a man with whom she so strongly disagrees?

She ruminated and reconsidered what Summers said and allowed the words to eat away at her self confidence. She said, He shouldn't admit women to Harvard if he is going to announce when they come that, hey, we don't feel that you can make it to the top.

She is saying she should not have been admitted to Harvard.

Dr. Hopkins is obviously a very smart person. She graduated from Harvard in 1964 and currently teaches at one of the most prestigious universities in the world. MIT is known as a premier university in science, engineering and technology. Despite all these facts, Dr. Hopkins feels threatened; scared and unable to compete.

She is suffering from FEAR:

False
Evidence
Appearing
Real

Every fact ponts to the ability of Dr. Hopkins to compete with men. She competed and won over most males despite the advantages they had in technical subjects in the 50's and 60's yet it is not enough to keep her calm. She is still ruled by False Evidence not FACTS.

Anyone as nervous and unsure of her abilities can be sent into a nervous frenzy with any unkind word. In this case it happened to be Lawrence Summers but it could be almost anyone's utterance that could fan the flames already burning in Dr. Hopkins' mind.

I do not wish to be harsh about this lady or others like her. To the contrary, it is my desire to set them all free from the words and opinions of others. When we know who we are the comments of others will run off us like water off a duck's back. However, when we are unsure of ourselves or our abilities we are racked with anxiety and sadness or even depression.

No person can cause you to be anxious or depressed unless you give them the power to alter your thinking.

To whom do you give the power of life and death?

Today I have set before you death or life. CHOOSE LIFE! JE 31:31

Thin Skin

Sticks and stones will break my bones but words can never hurt me.

There is a desperate need in America to memorize and actualize this old saw. The two most common complaints that bring people to see a counselor are depression and anxiety. These maladies are called "Mood Disorders" and they bedevil millions of people in the USA and around the world.

What causes so many people to feel anxious and or depressed? The most common factor is the way we send think about life events. Much to my concern, modern Americans are deluged with false and harmful information about the things that cause us trouble. So much of the media, the legal profession and the PC Community speak as if words themselves cause us lasting harm.

The recent exposure of Roman Catholic priests who sexually molested young men and women is evidence of terrible sins and crimes. These acts by any person are reprehensible but when done by a clergyman they are almost unspeakable. The men who were responsible should pay the full penalty of the law.

In spite of that fact, when courts and lawyers imply that sexual attacks cause permanent or at long term mental and emotional damage they are wrong. This view is doing more harm than good to the victims and to society in general.

it is not the actual events that cause long term mental and/or emotional damage. What harms us are the ways we think, ruminate and conclude after the events have passed.

When a victim ruminates in a way that deposits anger, fear, self-victimization and personal weakness within his soul the damage can be long term. If, however, the victim thinks about his/her strengths and ability to move on the scars will become stars as one preacher famously says.

One of the best things we can do is help people develop resiliency or the ability to "bounce back" from adversity. Our national symbol needs to be the plastic clown my kids had. They would knock it over but it always bounced back up. We must teach kids and adults to "Take a licking and keep on ticking."

Teaching people how to speak words that edify is admirable and I have written books and papers on that process. However, the world is a fallen, broken painful place and if we expect it to always be gentle, kind and warm we are setting ourselves up for great disappointment.

I cannot change the actions of every person who might verbally attack me but I can prepare myself for adverse actions by renewing my mind. I can be resilient and mentally tough.

Do not be conformed to this sinful world but be transformed by the renewal of your mind.
RO 12:2



Monday, January 24, 2005

Christian Family Systems

I love to teach a class about family systems. I find that much of what is written and taught in America is a shallow, narrow western view of family life that bears little resemblance to the biblical view.

Our view is flat and dull for it focuses on only the martial couple and their kids. Such an approach leaves out much of the richness of the scriptural approach and makes it almost impossible to understand what the Bible teaches about families.

I am often asked to teach a class about marriage from Ephesians 5 and explain what it means for a woman to submit to her husband. I suppose that assignment is not impossible but it is very difficult. T%he framework for marriage is laid in Genesis 1, 2 and 3. One must understand the creation ordinances or Ephesians 5 means little.

I am currently teaching about the biblical family at a local church and we are having a blast. It is so much fun and causing so much insight and discussion I want to do the same for pastors and leaders. Write and let me know what morning would be best for pastoral couples to meet for two hours each week and learn how to better understand your own family as well as the family of God.

A Christian leader cannot understand or appreciate the church family and how to lead without first digging into his own family of origin. It will empower you to change your life and make leadership much easier.



Defense Mechanisms

When I was in graduate school I was amazed to find out that psychologists and counselors had developed a list of the common ways we humans try to fool ourselves. These self manipulations are called, "Defense Mechanisms" and seem to be there to keep us from facing our own dysfunctions.

Denial: You completely reject the thought or feeling.
"I'm not angry with him!"

Suppression: You are vaguely aware of the thought or feeling, but try to hide it.
"I'm going to try to be nice to him."

Reaction Formation: You turn the feeling into its opposite.
"I think he's really great!"

Projection: You think someone else has your thought or feeling.
"That professor hates me.""That student hates the prof."

Displacement: You redirect your feelings to another target..
"I hate that secretary."

Rationalization: You come up with various explanations to justify the situation (while denying your feelings).
"He's so critical because he's trying to help us do our best."

Intellectualization: A type of rationalization, only more intellectualized.
"This situation reminds me of how Nietzsche said that anger is ontological despair."

It would seem that Christians would be free from such things because we cannot even get into the Kingdom of God without admitting that we are sinners and as such we have no business being in such a holy place. This is the paradox of Christianity. Only the needy can qualify to be holy. Perhaps this is why St Paul grew into admitting that he was, "The worst of all sinners."

The news is full of Christians and others who seem to delight in fooling themselves. Just tonight I heard an abortion doctor attacks Roman Catholic Church for burying the remains of several hundred babies. Here is a man who is busily engaged in killing thousands of innocent babies each year and he seems to have no remorse or guilt. However, his hidden pain and guilt come out by charging that the priest and people are doing harm to the feeling of the mothers who asked him to kill their babies.

I am reminded of Abe Lincoln famous story about a man who killed his parents in cold blood and then asked for mercy on the grounds that he was an orphan. It tasks a lot of brass to face a court and say that you are the victim when in fact you are the murderer. But this is what the doctor is doing. He has violated the Hippocratic oath of ethics used for over two thousand years to ban abortions and yet blames those who are lovingly and respectfully giving a decent burial to hundreds of innocents torn from the womb of their mothers.

My daughter in law is expecting a baby soon and we have had the joy of seeing the baby kick her so hard that she jumps in shock. This is a wanted child and we are doing everything we can to give Shelley and the baby the finest medical care. Anyone who could ruthlessly kill that child must live with no conscience or be in such a self delusion that Defense Mechanism fails to adequately describe his malady.

Are these people in denial? Can they not see the child's movements and hear his heartbeat? We heard it beat fast and strong. Is he deaf or just tone deaf?

I think it is called, Projection!



Wednesday, January 19, 2005

How Can We Improve the Church?

Earlier I wrote about the power of a local church and a group of churches. Now I want to say a few words about increasing our effectiveness as an organization.

I would say that the biggest single problem facing us is the confusion about the task of church. This leads to confusion about what leaders are to actually do and that causes confusion about how to train church leaders.

Because I was a school teacher and coach of softball, track and basketball I know a bit about preparing people to play a game. One must first know what game we are playing and it is here that the church is terribly confused. In fact, it seems to me that most seminary, Bible school and workshop leaders assume the church is supposed to be a combination of a pep rally and a study hall. A great deal of focus is placed on what kind of music the assembly is supposed to hear to jazz them up and the kind of costumes the cheer leaders are supposed to wear.

Thousands of articles are written and speeches given about whether we should still use old fashioned pom poms or do we need to simply show streamers on the closed circuit TV monitors. Now we are subjected to a huge debate about how many arenas we can gather in on Sunday to watch the pep rally beamed from one central site to other sites.

After the inspiring pep rally led by beautiful Dallas cheerleaders, a really handsome and slick talking motivational speaker gets up and spends twenty minutes in study hall firing the crowd up to adopt his BHAG (Big Harry Audacious Goal). At the end of the talk the crowd is sent out to implement the BHAG.

As a coach I know this. Those poor slobs will get killed on the court. They have completely confused the pep rally with coaching. Coaches train through detailed drills and repitive practices not "Chalk Talks" and "Cheerleaders" how to play their position and how to play as a team.

A coach must train the players differently for basketball and softball. Some drills like stretching and endurance are the same but all the skill positions are different. One does not need to learn how to "pick and roll" in baseball but it is an essential drill in basketball. I am appalled that small group leaders, elders and care givers are almost never drilled in the simple skills of their roles.

But here is the good news. The fact that the church has survived and still thrives despite terrible leadership and training indicates that it is really a supernatural organization. Only God could keep such a poorly led organization alive. It is alive and it is still touching lives. PTL!


Ps Just imagine how well a church could function if the coaches actually knew what game they were playing and how to prepare their players for that specific game.

The Local Church is Important

Christianity Today had a great article about the depth and breadth of the church in a recent CT blog. http://christianitytoday.com/ct/2005/001/30.50.html

In it, the author said many of the things I have argued for many years. For example, no religion, group, movement, political ideology or business does as much good for people as the churches of Jesus Christ regardless of denomination. While ministering at Ground Zero I saw hundreds of Christian pastors, lay volunteers and chaplains but no groups of atheists, ACLU members or Muslims.

I believe in ecumenical associations. In fact I helped start a couple of them and I still coordinate HOPE for Cincinnati along with some others. However, were it not for the local church there would be no local ministries; no international missions and no finances for any of them to operate.

Only in the church can we teach, inspire and mobilize thousands of people every week to follow Christ and do good works. IBM, Microsoft and ATT only wish they had this kind of access.

The next time you have a friend or colleague lambast Christians for not doing enough to help the poor, care for the needy or acting like hypocrites, you can readily agree. The church admits it is only for sinners so the fact that hypocrites show up is no great surprise. That is like criticizing Alcoholics Anonymous for having a bunch of drunks in their meetings!

We agree that we are sinners. Perfect people need not apply! But it is all those imperfect, stumbling sinners and hypocrites who are "Healing the broken-hearted and setting the captives free."

Yes, the next time you are confronted by a sneering agnostic, agree with him but also ask: "What group in American society is doing more than the hypocrite Christians and their churches? Can you name a single group that gives more or works harder to help people?

If they can name a single group that is doing more I will buy them a Starbucks latte.

The rap by those who love abortions is that we Christians want to produce unwanted babies but refuse to care for them. In point of fact, Christians provide at least 90% of all adoption and problem pregnancy care. Churches provide over 75% of all child care and 90% of all counseling for all people.

Is it enough? Nope! Can we do better? Yep! Are we ashamed and need to stop doing good things? Nope? Will we gladly accept these agnostic complainers into our fellowship and love them anyway? Yep! It is always exciting to welcome a new group of hypocrites into the church.



Tuesday, January 18, 2005

Why Does a Good God Allow Evil?

This is a question that everyone must ask at some time in his/her life. In the aftermath of the WAVE we are all asking it.

I have seen several preachers on TV trying to explain why God allowed 150,000 or so people die in Asia. None of them did a very good job of it. The things they said would have been good grist for a graduate class in philosophy or religion but it sounded shallow, trite and callous on TV. When Larry King asks in that husky voice, "Can you explain why a God of love would killed all those innocent babies?" you know you cannot give an adequate answer in the 60 seconds you have been allotted.

Many of the well-known Christian media hogs tried to answer him but they all failed miserably. It was a time for humility and that is a commodity little seen in the likes of the people who seek the klieg lights and 15 minutes of fame. Trying to communicate to a mostly pagan culture the concept of God's Sovereigny and Original Sin is a hard sell at 9:00 PM Eastern Time. They failed to convince even me with their prattle about everyone in this poor countries deserving death.

I did not hear him speak about this tragedy but Robert Schuller did the best job of fielding a hot grounder to third base a couple of years ago when Pat Boone's Grandson was paralyzed in a fall. Larry lowered his perfectly pitched for TV voice and asked, "Dr. Schuller, why did God allow this to happen to this boy?"

Dr. Schuller, smiled and said boldly, "Anytime a person asks God why he is not looking for an answer but for an argument." Brilliant! Fantastic. An answer worthy of Jesus to the Pharisees because it puts the pressure back on Larry where it belongs. This is an unanswerable question.

I have thought of a great corollary to his answer.

"Larry, we may not understand the immutable nature and will of God perfectly but we do know what He expects of us after a tragedy occurs. We are to love our neighbors and surely the people in Malaysia, India, Sri Lanka, Thailand, etc are out neighbors. God says, 'Roll up your sleeves and go to work! Do what you can for the survivors regardless whether they are Muslim Hindu or Christian. Send money, food and medicine. Heal the broken hearted and set the captives free.'"

Some things are just to high for us to answer. Not because there is NO answer but because in the middle of human pain the answer cannot be heard, or understood or comprehended. But at the right time God will reveal His heart to us and we will finally understand.


I Am Proud to be a Christian Right Now

The Tidal Wave that hit in the Indian Ocean was one of the mot terrible things to occur in my lifetime. It is impossible to imagine the destructive power of that wall of water.

I just received an e mail from Samuel Stevens, President of India Gospel League, who is organizing an effort to help as many survivors as possible. One of the things that makes his job os hard is the fact that over 20 of his "barefoot pastors" have been killed or are missing along with many of their loved ones.

Many of the Media pundits have been suggesting that we in America should donate to charitable groups to impress the Muslims in Asia and the Middle East. Such a suggestion shows just how crass and ignorant such people are. First, the radical Muslims will not change. They hate America because the unsaved mind is hostile to God. These terrorists kill all who are loving because that is what excites the most terror.

They have kill doctors and nurses and teachers and children to incite terror. To show the Russians how much they hated them the rebels killed some of their own female terrorists and killed small children and teachers on TV. Never trust the media to get such a story right. Their instincts are wrong and their judgments are wrong.

Second, I have donated to a Christian charity involved directly in the recovery effort and will probably donate more. I do it out of compassion and concern not politics. I do it because Jesus told me to. I do it because this is what Christians do all the time. We do it not for fame or glory or to manipulate salvations. If that were the motive it would not be truly loving the people.

I am proud because Christians once again are motivated by the love of Christ.

The media know the price of everything and the value of nothing.

Monday, January 10, 2005

I'm Back

Wow, the Christmas holy days along with family gatherings sure ate into my blog time. Our son Tim and his wife Shelley are getting ready for a new baby due on Valentine's Day so we have been happily busy. There is nothing like grand kids.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Since I have not been on the road quit as much this fall I have been able to work with lots of pastors, elders and their families. This is my first love for a healthy local church is the key to evangelism, world mission and cultural change. And, a healthy, vibrant leadership team is central to a healthy church. And, a healthy marriage and family life are central to a healthy leadership.

A friend asked me recently if I was doing what I had always wanted to do. The answer is yes, but I did not know I always wanted to do this. In fact, I never, ever knew anyone who flew around the world to help build healthy Christian leaders and healthy Christian churches. This caused me to meditate about the ways God prepared me to do what I do.

I was caught by the Holy Spirit at age 20 and brought to my knees in humility. Just after that dramatic experience I heard the clear call of God to go to college. I had not pursued higher education but decided to work and make some money.

I attended a local community college because it was inexpensive and easy to enter. It proved to be a wonderful experience. The guidance counselor, Betty Ann Ward, modeled warm love and respect toward all of her students and made me want to be a counselor.

I taught school for five years and learned a lot about education, teaching and working with people. But most of all, I learned how to equip the students to help each other. For four years I taught all subjects to 30 to 35 kids in the 5th and 6th grades. It was an impossible task. So, I learned how to motivate the smarter kids to help the slow ones. I used small groups, buddy systems and self motivation. The children learned far more from each other and me than they would have learned from me alone.

Finally, I was forced to coach all sports. I had to coach to make enough money to survive. I am glad they made me do it. This is where I learned still morecabout discipleship and equipping the kids to do the work. The coach was not allowed to play so I had to prepare the team in advance to go out and perform. After the game begins it is too late.

These lessons combined in my mind to prepare me for ministry. Unfortunately, the western church has adopted a model that is from the Old Testament not the New. The OT model had the Priest doing all the holy activities. The NT model has all God's people performing. Teaching and coaching children taught me how to do just that.

More later!