Insanity: Doing the Same Things, the Same Ways, and Expecting Different Results
For several years after getting married I was acting like an insane person. I continuously got into the same arguments with the same people in my family and carried around the same pain until my misery grew into a chronic ache. And I could not figure out why.
Karen tried to help me, but I had two degrees in counseling and education and she had none, so what did she know? But she could see my dysfunctional patterns and I could not. A person on the outside has 20/20 vision but we on the inside are blind.
She saw how Mother and I danced the exact dance every time we drove back to Ina for the holidays. Mom would complain about her depression and I would try to "make her feel better." I always failed but for 20 years or so I stayed the course and make failure a pleasant pain, like an old shoe.
Finally I got some counseling and an insightful man saw the pattern and nailed it to a tee. After some family coaching I was able to slowly but slowly change myself and stop trying to change Mother. One day I had a brilliant insight. "Why not try what I was recommending to everyone else? Why not listen to Mother and stop giving her my advice? I had written several books on listening so I had might as well try it."
I did and it broke the pattern. My dance steps changed and Mother and I developed a wonderful relationship before she went to be with the Lord.
Now I do not dread family times or holidays. We have fun since I began to listen and relax. The following photos show how much fun and enjoyment we have when we all get together.
Monday, November 28, 2005
Family Photos
The most frustrating part about a family gathering is trying to get everyone together at one, standing still while looking at the camera. In this one we have everyone except Karen's sister, Toni who had to take the picture, but Great Grandmother Hazel is giving in to her ADHD and moving.
David and Julia Knispel with Lily on the left, Papa Sweeten in black sweater with Tim and Shelley Sweeten and Jack and Karen Sweeten and Hazel next to Jacob Knispel.
The most frustrating part about a family gathering is trying to get everyone together at one, standing still while looking at the camera. In this one we have everyone except Karen's sister, Toni who had to take the picture, but Great Grandmother Hazel is giving in to her ADHD and moving.
David and Julia Knispel with Lily on the left, Papa Sweeten in black sweater with Tim and Shelley Sweeten and Jack and Karen Sweeten and Hazel next to Jacob Knispel.
Friday, November 25, 2005
Habits of Healthy Families
Want to know what is healthy in family life? Take a look at this list.
1. Focus on and honor the entire family as a group, including grandparents, cousins and uncles/aunts. Repair bitterness with forgiveness and communicate with those who are far away.
2. Respect each family member and his/her gifts, talents individual part in the family. Do not stick a person in the role of joker, victim, overfunctioner, underfunctioner, etc. Let them blossom.
3. Communication skills that include listening, sharing, thinking, considering, telling stories, laughing, dialogue, etc. Mature families listen more than talk. They have conversations and interactions.
4. Conflict management The difference between healthy and unhealthy families is not the amount of conflict but the way it is resolved. Unhealth families attack each other while healthy families attack problems.
5. Time together It takes time to develop a deep relationship and Quality cannot replace Quantity completely.
6. Affirmation Healthy families affirm each other's successes and point out each other's failures without shaming them.
7. Religious practices The family that prays together stays together. Church attendance does more to protect and prevent problems than any other single factor.
Want to know what is healthy in family life? Take a look at this list.
1. Focus on and honor the entire family as a group, including grandparents, cousins and uncles/aunts. Repair bitterness with forgiveness and communicate with those who are far away.
2. Respect each family member and his/her gifts, talents individual part in the family. Do not stick a person in the role of joker, victim, overfunctioner, underfunctioner, etc. Let them blossom.
3. Communication skills that include listening, sharing, thinking, considering, telling stories, laughing, dialogue, etc. Mature families listen more than talk. They have conversations and interactions.
4. Conflict management The difference between healthy and unhealthy families is not the amount of conflict but the way it is resolved. Unhealth families attack each other while healthy families attack problems.
5. Time together It takes time to develop a deep relationship and Quality cannot replace Quantity completely.
6. Affirmation Healthy families affirm each other's successes and point out each other's failures without shaming them.
7. Religious practices The family that prays together stays together. Church attendance does more to protect and prevent problems than any other single factor.
Society's Regression into Chaos
Most commentators would agree that our American society is moving in the wrong way. Additionally, they don't know what to do about it. The book in the next post by Dr. Roberta Gilbert is one I recommend to help parents, grandparents and thought leaders to help show us ways of developing healthy relationships with our own families and doing what we can to influence the church and community.
One of the most damaging influences on us individually and corporately has been the degrading and negative influence of a few major theories of psychology. There are several psychological theories that have a positive influence on us but they are in the minority of influence right now.
Theories That Have Led to Chaos
1. The individual's ideals and feelings are of supreme importance Individualism has led the professional counseling field to separate family members and keep segregated from each other. Biblically and traditionally the family unit is the source of most health and the best way to bring wholeness is through strengthening the entire family from generation to generation.
2. A focus on Pathology rather than strengths is the key to health The medical model of diagnosing and treating mental "illnesses" has been disastrous. We need to affirm the good points of parenting and the strengths of the family.
3. The emphasis on feelings not facts, thoughts and principles. In most of my books and classes we teach people how to separate "feelings" from "thinking" and we often find students have difficulty doing so. A simple experiment shows how our society is swimming in a lake of emotions at the expense of thoughts.
Ask yourself which is correct: "I feel my wife is attractive" or "I think my wife is attractive".
Most people use the term "feel" when they really mean "think." Feelings are affective words such as mad, sad, glad, shame, guilt, etc. Thoughts, on the other hand, are ideas, beliefs and concepts from which emotions arise.
Perhaps the most important task of schools, churches and parents is to teach people to think and not be driven by feelings. Politicians have really let us down here, especially when it comes to matters of Political Correctness. The prevailing view is something like this. "If a person "FEELS' discriminated against they have been treated badly. This is wrong legally, practically and psychologically.
4. The Pleasure Principle is also destructive When we live in a feeling world we are extremely susceptible to every event in life and we tend to elevate Pleasure above growth, maturity or health. The purpose of Delayed Gratification is to teach us to be disciplined and to develop patience, simplicity of life and resilience. In fact, Adversity, Pain, Frustration, boredom and other unpleasant feelings can be very good for all of us.
5. Permissive Child Rearing Practices are Destructive To worry anxiously about pleasing our kids leads us to allow them to pursue Pleasant Feelings at the expense of developing resilience, Kindness, Patience and Maturity. It can tell people that alcohol, drugs, sex, stealing, lying and laziness are acceptable because they may feel good for right now.
Many parents want to be best buddies with their kids instead of parents. Some let the kids rule the roost. Others are afraid they will "Damage their child's self-esteem" if they are unhappy. Still others worry excessively about protecting their children and fail to teach them self-responsibility.
Beadult parents and set up a set of good expectations. Teach theough experience. make sure the kids do chores and do some work. Have fun, play games, go on hikes. Have times with the extended family and make sure you honor your own parents.
Most commentators would agree that our American society is moving in the wrong way. Additionally, they don't know what to do about it. The book in the next post by Dr. Roberta Gilbert is one I recommend to help parents, grandparents and thought leaders to help show us ways of developing healthy relationships with our own families and doing what we can to influence the church and community.
One of the most damaging influences on us individually and corporately has been the degrading and negative influence of a few major theories of psychology. There are several psychological theories that have a positive influence on us but they are in the minority of influence right now.
Theories That Have Led to Chaos
1. The individual's ideals and feelings are of supreme importance Individualism has led the professional counseling field to separate family members and keep segregated from each other. Biblically and traditionally the family unit is the source of most health and the best way to bring wholeness is through strengthening the entire family from generation to generation.
2. A focus on Pathology rather than strengths is the key to health The medical model of diagnosing and treating mental "illnesses" has been disastrous. We need to affirm the good points of parenting and the strengths of the family.
3. The emphasis on feelings not facts, thoughts and principles. In most of my books and classes we teach people how to separate "feelings" from "thinking" and we often find students have difficulty doing so. A simple experiment shows how our society is swimming in a lake of emotions at the expense of thoughts.
Ask yourself which is correct: "I feel my wife is attractive" or "I think my wife is attractive".
Most people use the term "feel" when they really mean "think." Feelings are affective words such as mad, sad, glad, shame, guilt, etc. Thoughts, on the other hand, are ideas, beliefs and concepts from which emotions arise.
Perhaps the most important task of schools, churches and parents is to teach people to think and not be driven by feelings. Politicians have really let us down here, especially when it comes to matters of Political Correctness. The prevailing view is something like this. "If a person "FEELS' discriminated against they have been treated badly. This is wrong legally, practically and psychologically.
4. The Pleasure Principle is also destructive When we live in a feeling world we are extremely susceptible to every event in life and we tend to elevate Pleasure above growth, maturity or health. The purpose of Delayed Gratification is to teach us to be disciplined and to develop patience, simplicity of life and resilience. In fact, Adversity, Pain, Frustration, boredom and other unpleasant feelings can be very good for all of us.
5. Permissive Child Rearing Practices are Destructive To worry anxiously about pleasing our kids leads us to allow them to pursue Pleasant Feelings at the expense of developing resilience, Kindness, Patience and Maturity. It can tell people that alcohol, drugs, sex, stealing, lying and laziness are acceptable because they may feel good for right now.
Many parents want to be best buddies with their kids instead of parents. Some let the kids rule the roost. Others are afraid they will "Damage their child's self-esteem" if they are unhappy. Still others worry excessively about protecting their children and fail to teach them self-responsibility.
Beadult parents and set up a set of good expectations. Teach theough experience. make sure the kids do chores and do some work. Have fun, play games, go on hikes. Have times with the extended family and make sure you honor your own parents.
A Great Book for Parents
Amazon.com has this book right now and I strongly recommend it for all parents and grandparents no matter what the age of your children.
Connecting With Our Children : Guiding Principles for Parents in a Troubled World -- by Roberta M. Gilbert; Paperback
With our society regressing farther and farther into chaos and fantasy we need to know what to do to turn the tide. This book will help families that are solid and strong as well as those that are facing enormous stresses in life.
Get it; Read it; Apply it
In the following blogs I am posting several photos of our families, nuclear and extended. Nothing can do more to restore sanity and clear thinking in America than connecting with our own parents, siblings and kids, especially if we add the very powerful spark of God's love by attending church together.
Thursday, November 24, 2005
Thanks for God's Work 
in Family
The Knispel and Sweeten Families, along with Karen's Mother Hazel Guriel, gather for Mother's Day and Baptism of the Knispel children, Jacob Anderson and Lily Katherine.
The weather was beautiful and the service of baptism even more spectacular. It was great for Papa Sweeten to be able to baptize two of his grandchildren.
in Family The Knispel and Sweeten Families, along with Karen's Mother Hazel Guriel, gather for Mother's Day and Baptism of the Knispel children, Jacob Anderson and Lily Katherine.
The weather was beautiful and the service of baptism even more spectacular. It was great for Papa Sweeten to be able to baptize two of his grandchildren.
Lincoln's 1863 Thanksgiving Proclamation
The year that is drawing towards its close, has been filled with the blessings of fruitful fields and healthful skies. To these bounties, which are so constantly enjoyed that we are prone to forget the source from which they come, others have been added, which are of so extraordinary a nature, that they cannot fail to penetrate and soften even the heart which is habitually insensible to the ever watchful providence of Almighty God.
In the midst of a civil war of unequalled magnitude and severity, which has sometimes seemed to foreign States to invite and to provoke their aggression, peace has been preserved with all nations, order has been maintained, the laws have been respected and obeyed, and harmony has prevailed everywhere in the theatre of the military conflict; while that theatre has been greatly contracted by the advancing armies and navies of the Union.
Needful diversions of wealth and of strength from the fields of peaceful industry to the national defence, have not arrested the plough, the shuttle, or the ship; the axe had enlarged the borders of our settlements, and the mines, as well of iron and coal as of the precious metals, have yielded even more abundantly than heretofore.
Population has steadily increased, notwithstanding the waste that has been made in the camp, the siege and the battle-field; and the country, rejoicing in the consciousness of augmented strength and vigor, is permitted to expect continuance of years with large increase of freedom.
No human counsel hath devised nor hath any mortal hand worked out these great things. They are the gracious gifts of the Most High God, who, while dealing with us in anger for our sins, hath nevertheless remembered mercy.
It has seemed to me fit and proper that they should be solemnly, reverently and gratefully acknowledged as with one heart and voice by the whole American People. I do therefore invite my fellow citizens in every part of the United States, and also those who are at seas and those who are sojourning in foreign lands, to set apart and observe the last Thursday of November next, as a day of Thanksgiving and Praise to our beneficent Father who dwelleth in the Heavens.
And I recommend to them that while offering up the ascriptions justly due to Him for such singular deliverances and blessings, they do also , with humble penitence for our national perverseness and disobedience, comment to his tender care all those who have become widows, orphans, mourners or sufferers in the lamentable civil strife in which we are unavoidably engaged, and fervently implore the interposition of the Almighty Hand to heal the wounds of the nation and to restore it as soon as may be consistent with the Divine purposes to the full enjoyment of peace, harmony, tranquility and Union.
The year that is drawing towards its close, has been filled with the blessings of fruitful fields and healthful skies. To these bounties, which are so constantly enjoyed that we are prone to forget the source from which they come, others have been added, which are of so extraordinary a nature, that they cannot fail to penetrate and soften even the heart which is habitually insensible to the ever watchful providence of Almighty God.
In the midst of a civil war of unequalled magnitude and severity, which has sometimes seemed to foreign States to invite and to provoke their aggression, peace has been preserved with all nations, order has been maintained, the laws have been respected and obeyed, and harmony has prevailed everywhere in the theatre of the military conflict; while that theatre has been greatly contracted by the advancing armies and navies of the Union.
Needful diversions of wealth and of strength from the fields of peaceful industry to the national defence, have not arrested the plough, the shuttle, or the ship; the axe had enlarged the borders of our settlements, and the mines, as well of iron and coal as of the precious metals, have yielded even more abundantly than heretofore.
Population has steadily increased, notwithstanding the waste that has been made in the camp, the siege and the battle-field; and the country, rejoicing in the consciousness of augmented strength and vigor, is permitted to expect continuance of years with large increase of freedom.
No human counsel hath devised nor hath any mortal hand worked out these great things. They are the gracious gifts of the Most High God, who, while dealing with us in anger for our sins, hath nevertheless remembered mercy.
It has seemed to me fit and proper that they should be solemnly, reverently and gratefully acknowledged as with one heart and voice by the whole American People. I do therefore invite my fellow citizens in every part of the United States, and also those who are at seas and those who are sojourning in foreign lands, to set apart and observe the last Thursday of November next, as a day of Thanksgiving and Praise to our beneficent Father who dwelleth in the Heavens.
And I recommend to them that while offering up the ascriptions justly due to Him for such singular deliverances and blessings, they do also , with humble penitence for our national perverseness and disobedience, comment to his tender care all those who have become widows, orphans, mourners or sufferers in the lamentable civil strife in which we are unavoidably engaged, and fervently implore the interposition of the Almighty Hand to heal the wounds of the nation and to restore it as soon as may be consistent with the Divine purposes to the full enjoyment of peace, harmony, tranquility and Union.
Wednesday, November 23, 2005
An Attitude of Gratitude
When we think about the First Thanksgiving it is hard to imagine that some of us would have been grateful for the little we had or would have thanked the Almighty for His blessings. I recently heard a colleague say that America is in an ADD crisis. Adversity Deprivation Disorder is all over the place.
In American we have almost no one who suffers from real adversity so we have to make up was to show faux compassion and empathy. The news media are experts at faux news reports. (Not FOX News) The most recent example is probably how awful it is to be forced to wait in an airport when airplanes are delayed or get stuck in slow traffic on the highways. Those are terrible events! It is just AWFUL to be discomfiture in any slight manner.
Before the traffic rush it was the extreme pain of HIGH GASOLINE PRICES!!! I stopped at Starbucks for a cup of coffee and discovered four V 8 all wheel drive SUV's in the parking lot that were running with the air conditioner on while the drivers were inside chatting and drinking $3.75 lattes themselves.
First, no one in Cincinnati needs an off road, all wheel drive SUV with a V8 engine that gets 10 miles per gallon. Second, to leave it running for 30 minutes to keep the heat down is evidence that the people are NOT concerned about gas prices.
But most importantly, gasoline is cheaper than at almost anytime in my life when figured on an inflationary basis. It is also cheaper than anywhere else in the world. In Europe it is about $7.00 per gallon. Why, then, are the media proffering such ridiculous lies? Anxiety sells. The media must have us jacked up on lies and distortions to keep us watching and reading.
Storms are coming!!!
Gasoline is high!!!
Traffic jams!!!
When we have so little to really worry about we make things up and the media works full time to help us. It is not their fault. We love it, but it facilitates parental paranoia and overprotection of our kids.
Worst of all it robs us of gratitude and thankfulness. So, Abe Lincoln gave us the gift of a formal Thanksgiving Day. Oh, the pessimistic atheists will try to steal it and throw cold water on our celebration but wee can persevere. PETA will show morbid ads about how we are murdering turkeys but switch channels.
Keep on thanking God and each other. Have a blast. Sing a song of praise.
When we think about the First Thanksgiving it is hard to imagine that some of us would have been grateful for the little we had or would have thanked the Almighty for His blessings. I recently heard a colleague say that America is in an ADD crisis. Adversity Deprivation Disorder is all over the place.
In American we have almost no one who suffers from real adversity so we have to make up was to show faux compassion and empathy. The news media are experts at faux news reports. (Not FOX News) The most recent example is probably how awful it is to be forced to wait in an airport when airplanes are delayed or get stuck in slow traffic on the highways. Those are terrible events! It is just AWFUL to be discomfiture in any slight manner.
Before the traffic rush it was the extreme pain of HIGH GASOLINE PRICES!!! I stopped at Starbucks for a cup of coffee and discovered four V 8 all wheel drive SUV's in the parking lot that were running with the air conditioner on while the drivers were inside chatting and drinking $3.75 lattes themselves.
First, no one in Cincinnati needs an off road, all wheel drive SUV with a V8 engine that gets 10 miles per gallon. Second, to leave it running for 30 minutes to keep the heat down is evidence that the people are NOT concerned about gas prices.
But most importantly, gasoline is cheaper than at almost anytime in my life when figured on an inflationary basis. It is also cheaper than anywhere else in the world. In Europe it is about $7.00 per gallon. Why, then, are the media proffering such ridiculous lies? Anxiety sells. The media must have us jacked up on lies and distortions to keep us watching and reading.
Storms are coming!!!
Gasoline is high!!!
Traffic jams!!!
When we have so little to really worry about we make things up and the media works full time to help us. It is not their fault. We love it, but it facilitates parental paranoia and overprotection of our kids.
Worst of all it robs us of gratitude and thankfulness. So, Abe Lincoln gave us the gift of a formal Thanksgiving Day. Oh, the pessimistic atheists will try to steal it and throw cold water on our celebration but wee can persevere. PETA will show morbid ads about how we are murdering turkeys but switch channels.
Keep on thanking God and each other. Have a blast. Sing a song of praise.
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