Leaving Home

We cannot lead others farther than we have gone ourselves.

I work with many pastors, missionaries and families and and one thing is clear, if we have baggage with parents and siblings left over from childhood it will keep us from being free with our own kids and sabotage the health of any organization we try to lead. In every nation I visit I see some of the same patterns. Adults who are angry with a parent are emotionally impaired as parents and leaders.

One pattern is Reactive Rebellion. Adult children react against anything they think theat parent wants them to do. If the parent taught frugality the child will spend; if he preached religious piety the child will dislike church and God; if the parent was organized the child will be free or vice versa the child of footloose parents become rigid in their planning and structure.

But this is not all. The kid is emotionally reactive to the parent and others who seem to practice what the parent preaches. The reactivity may seem like anger or frustration but it is an automatic emotional disagreement from deep within the heart of the child.

How can we tell if we have grown up and emancipated from our parents? It is simple. If you can say, Dad, I am going to be a doctor even though you want me to be a doctor you have been healed. However, if you hear yourself say, "I will never do that or be like him" you can see that there is an automatic reaction of irrational feelings not a peaceful response to your own skills and call.

Many kids grow up in religious homes and "vow" never to be so religious because they want to be free. Their theme song is, "I gotta be free, I gotta be me..." However, the reactivity proves that they are actually slaves to their parent's wishes by doing the opposite. They are giving enormous power to the memory of the parent despite protestations to the contrary. They look at passive children and feel proud that they are free from parental pressures. But this is self-deception for the parent is just as much in charge of the rebel as the one who complies.

A couple came in to see an old teacher of mine and the man's left eye was swelled shut. Dr. F said, "I must ask about your eye. What happened?"

The man burst out in angry accusations about his wife and said, "She is killing me. Make her stop." With that, the professor said to his wife, "If you shut the other eye by next week i will personally give you a hundred dollars."

The man shouted, "Why did you tell her that? Now she will kill me for sure." to which Dr. F replied, "If you want to give her that much power over you body go right ahead." The next week he returned with both eyes open wide.

How much power over your life do you give your parents?


If you have a family skeleton in the closet why not make him dance?