Leadership
This is a topic that many people like to discuss. It is like the weather. Some friends in Singapore call it NATO: No Action, Talk Only.
People fail to lead not because they fail to try. Many, many pastors desperately want to move their churches and or organizations forward only to have the organization to continue to do the same old things the same old ways.
I have been privileged to be part of two world-class organizations. One at the University of Cincinnati led by Dr. Bill Nester and the other at College Hill Presbyterian Church led by Dr. Jerry Kirk. In each instance the top men were passionate, visionary, excited, mobilizers who chose strong people and turned them loose. Neither was a "micro-manager".
Both took great pleasure in seeing the men and women on the team excel. They were generous with praise, intentional with feedback and gracious during failures. Failures were common but learning from them without hostile attacks was paramount.
Both men were smart but not interested in always being right or knowing everything. They were able to personally motivate others and knew how to get others on board their vision.
The best class I ever had on the topic of leadership was taught by Dr. Edwin Friedman, a Rabbi and family therapist in the Bowen tradition. he taught us how to examine our family histories and see the things we wanted to affirm but remove the bad habits flowing down from the past generations.
Starting tomorrow I will carry on Dr. Friedman's tradition and help Christian leaders understand themselves and their people better in hopes they will become more influential. I certainly do enjoy leading such a group. The students generally love to learn about their own history. Second, no two families are the same. Third, looking at genograms and hearing the stories of courage and comedy is a wonderful experience. Fourth, I always get to see people grow, change and become happier.
I hope you can attend some day.
Call if you are interested in a later group learning.
Tuesday, March 29, 2005
Peace be with You Again!
John 20:21
Jesus said to them again, Peace be with you. As the Father sent me I also send you.
Jesus had evidently caused such a fright among the disciples that it was necessary for Him to calm them down. Peace means not only that He had forgiven their sin and guilt but that they can relax. In order for people to minister in His name we need to first gain His peace and serenity. Anxiety causes us to do stupid things and sometimes do the opposite of ministry.
In Matthew 28 Jesus gave His disciples the Great commission and sent them into all the world. In this recording Jesus is also commissioning them to move out with peace and in peace. In Luke 10 Jesus told them how to evangelize by blessing others with peace. If we lack personal peace how can we authentically bless others with Shalom?
Then He breathed on them and said, Receive the Holy Spirit. This was a sign of the new birth. They were the very first Christians with the Holy Spirit in them and with them.
Here is their Great Commission:
If you forgive the sins of anyone they are forgiven. They had just received forgiveness and now, with the reception of the Holy Spirit, are able to offer peace to others.
When we who have received the Spirit tell others about Jesus and they respond their sins are remitted. Forgiven. However, when we fail to offer or they fail to accept the sins are retained.
Our mission is important.
Peace be with you!
John 20:21
Jesus said to them again, Peace be with you. As the Father sent me I also send you.
Jesus had evidently caused such a fright among the disciples that it was necessary for Him to calm them down. Peace means not only that He had forgiven their sin and guilt but that they can relax. In order for people to minister in His name we need to first gain His peace and serenity. Anxiety causes us to do stupid things and sometimes do the opposite of ministry.
In Matthew 28 Jesus gave His disciples the Great commission and sent them into all the world. In this recording Jesus is also commissioning them to move out with peace and in peace. In Luke 10 Jesus told them how to evangelize by blessing others with peace. If we lack personal peace how can we authentically bless others with Shalom?
Then He breathed on them and said, Receive the Holy Spirit. This was a sign of the new birth. They were the very first Christians with the Holy Spirit in them and with them.
Here is their Great Commission:
If you forgive the sins of anyone they are forgiven. They had just received forgiveness and now, with the reception of the Holy Spirit, are able to offer peace to others.
When we who have received the Spirit tell others about Jesus and they respond their sins are remitted. Forgiven. However, when we fail to offer or they fail to accept the sins are retained.
Our mission is important.
Peace be with you!
Peace be with You
John 20:19
I have always been interested in the fact that whenever God broke through the fog of humanity and spoke with one of His creatures the greeting normally begins with: "Peace." Just after the resurrection, Jesus came to visit with His disciples they met behind closed doors and said, Peace be with you."
Peter and John had already been to the empty tomb and saw the grave clothes lying flat on the shelf so they knew something was amiss. However, they must have been extremely nervous about meeting the risen Messiah face to face. How would you feel about talking to a man who had a few days earlier been crucified?
Not only the ghostliness of the situation was difficult, so was the fact that they all had scattered like scared birds during the trial and mob scene. Peter had denied Jesus outright but none of them showed any courage or loyalty to their Rabbi.
Some of you might respond by saying, "Yes, but just think that they had the opportunity to see God up clpse and personal." Yeah, but anyone who has failed to follow God's ways is not too eager to see Him a few feet away. These guys were from a legalistic Jewish culture that treated sinner pretty harshly and they must have been overcome with guilt, shame and remorse.
Let's face it. None of us wants to see God when we have failed. These men were human and they needed some time to get themselves cleaned up.
But Jesus came to them immediately and said they were forgiven. Peace, you see, means Your guilt is gone in scripture. He announced forgiveness to them as the very first act.
As a pastor and counselor I meet many people who fear God in an anxious manner. They carry a load of false guilt and shame so large they cannot face Jesus lest He discover just how unworthy they are. This may sound silly but a man told me that he feared confessing his sin lest God overhear him and find out what he had been doing. Keeping secrets from God was his clear intent. I let him know that confession means, Agreement with God that he was wrong. This was a surprise to him.
But Jesus comes after us as the gracious hound of heaven and says:
Peace be with you.
Your guilt is gone.
John 20:19
I have always been interested in the fact that whenever God broke through the fog of humanity and spoke with one of His creatures the greeting normally begins with: "Peace." Just after the resurrection, Jesus came to visit with His disciples they met behind closed doors and said, Peace be with you."
Peter and John had already been to the empty tomb and saw the grave clothes lying flat on the shelf so they knew something was amiss. However, they must have been extremely nervous about meeting the risen Messiah face to face. How would you feel about talking to a man who had a few days earlier been crucified?
Not only the ghostliness of the situation was difficult, so was the fact that they all had scattered like scared birds during the trial and mob scene. Peter had denied Jesus outright but none of them showed any courage or loyalty to their Rabbi.
Some of you might respond by saying, "Yes, but just think that they had the opportunity to see God up clpse and personal." Yeah, but anyone who has failed to follow God's ways is not too eager to see Him a few feet away. These guys were from a legalistic Jewish culture that treated sinner pretty harshly and they must have been overcome with guilt, shame and remorse.
Let's face it. None of us wants to see God when we have failed. These men were human and they needed some time to get themselves cleaned up.
But Jesus came to them immediately and said they were forgiven. Peace, you see, means Your guilt is gone in scripture. He announced forgiveness to them as the very first act.
As a pastor and counselor I meet many people who fear God in an anxious manner. They carry a load of false guilt and shame so large they cannot face Jesus lest He discover just how unworthy they are. This may sound silly but a man told me that he feared confessing his sin lest God overhear him and find out what he had been doing. Keeping secrets from God was his clear intent. I let him know that confession means, Agreement with God that he was wrong. This was a surprise to him.
But Jesus comes after us as the gracious hound of heaven and says:
Peace be with you.
Your guilt is gone.
Wednesday, March 23, 2005
Let Freedom Ring
Over the past few days I have been ruminating about the roots of revolution and freedom. Christianity Today http://www.christianitytoday.com/CT/2005/004/17.100.html recently published an article about one of the most influential men in history that I never heard of before. His name was Granville Sharp and, almost single-handed he sparked the movement to make slavery illegal in England.
Granville Sharp was a strong Christian with a flint sharp mind and a rock hard personality and a bull dog determination to set every slave free in Great Britain. Against great odds Granville Sharp stood up to and fought against the richest people in the nation. Rich because they used cheap slave labor to farm, mine and do heavy jobs. Since buying a new slave was cheaper than feed and clothing the rich owners let many thousands of slaves die.
Sharp's commitment to Christ and God's word led him to give his entire life to Abolition causes. Go to the CT Blog and read the full story.
Over the past few days I have been ruminating about the roots of revolution and freedom. Christianity Today http://www.christianitytoday.com/CT/2005/004/17.100.html recently published an article about one of the most influential men in history that I never heard of before. His name was Granville Sharp and, almost single-handed he sparked the movement to make slavery illegal in England.
Granville Sharp was a strong Christian with a flint sharp mind and a rock hard personality and a bull dog determination to set every slave free in Great Britain. Against great odds Granville Sharp stood up to and fought against the richest people in the nation. Rich because they used cheap slave labor to farm, mine and do heavy jobs. Since buying a new slave was cheaper than feed and clothing the rich owners let many thousands of slaves die.
Sharp's commitment to Christ and God's word led him to give his entire life to Abolition causes. Go to the CT Blog and read the full story.
Monday, March 21, 2005
Lay the Axe to Roots of Bitterness
A few days ago I wrote about the need to cut ourselves, our families and our nation free from anger and wrath. Paul noted, therapeutically, that it is OK to get mad but not to let the sun go down on our bitterness. Long term wrath is deeadly.
Today I received a wonderful newsletter that says it well. Enjoy!
Monday - March 21, 2005
“As surely as God lives, who has denied me justice, the Almighty, who has made me taste bitterness of soul, as long as I have life within me, the breath of God in my nostrils, my lips will not speak wickedness, and my tongue will utter no deceit.” - Job 27:2-4
In 1824, the Prussian government decreed that a long-standing practice that Non-Christians could not attend schools was to be enforced. A Jewish attorney named Hirschel, who lived in Trier, Germany, converted to Christianity in order not to be discriminated.
Hirschel’s six-year old son Karl could not understand the situation. The boy asked his father: "Why must we surrender our Jewish faith and start to attend Lutheran services here in Germany?”
The father replied, "Son, we must abandon our faith so that people will accept us and support our business adventures!" The young lad never got over his disappointment and bitterness. His faith in his father and in his religion were crushed.
After Karl graduated from the Berlin University, he went to England to study at the British Museum where he formed his philosophies for life. From those intensive investigations he wrote a book that changed the world called, "The Communist Manifesto”. From that book one-third of the world fell under the spell of godless Marxist ideology. The name of that little boy was Karl Marx. He influenced billions of lives for more than 100 years and brought to them ruin, imprisonment and death.
Whatever bitterness you have tasted, do not let it wickedness or deceit consume you. Today in prayer, thank the Lord that in Christ, you are a victor over all sin and death and pray that bitterness does not take a hold of you.
“Bitterness is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.” - Ron McManus,
God’s Word: “Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.” - Ephesians 4:31
Chuck Clarkwww.StationedHere.com
A few days ago I wrote about the need to cut ourselves, our families and our nation free from anger and wrath. Paul noted, therapeutically, that it is OK to get mad but not to let the sun go down on our bitterness. Long term wrath is deeadly.
Today I received a wonderful newsletter that says it well. Enjoy!
Monday - March 21, 2005
“As surely as God lives, who has denied me justice, the Almighty, who has made me taste bitterness of soul, as long as I have life within me, the breath of God in my nostrils, my lips will not speak wickedness, and my tongue will utter no deceit.” - Job 27:2-4
In 1824, the Prussian government decreed that a long-standing practice that Non-Christians could not attend schools was to be enforced. A Jewish attorney named Hirschel, who lived in Trier, Germany, converted to Christianity in order not to be discriminated.
Hirschel’s six-year old son Karl could not understand the situation. The boy asked his father: "Why must we surrender our Jewish faith and start to attend Lutheran services here in Germany?”
The father replied, "Son, we must abandon our faith so that people will accept us and support our business adventures!" The young lad never got over his disappointment and bitterness. His faith in his father and in his religion were crushed.
After Karl graduated from the Berlin University, he went to England to study at the British Museum where he formed his philosophies for life. From those intensive investigations he wrote a book that changed the world called, "The Communist Manifesto”. From that book one-third of the world fell under the spell of godless Marxist ideology. The name of that little boy was Karl Marx. He influenced billions of lives for more than 100 years and brought to them ruin, imprisonment and death.
Whatever bitterness you have tasted, do not let it wickedness or deceit consume you. Today in prayer, thank the Lord that in Christ, you are a victor over all sin and death and pray that bitterness does not take a hold of you.
“Bitterness is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.” - Ron McManus,
God’s Word: “Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.” - Ephesians 4:31
Chuck Clarkwww.StationedHere.com
Saturday, March 19, 2005
Grace to Set Us Free
About forty or so pastors and leaders of parachurch groups were given a special tour at the Underground Freedom Center last Thursday morning. The staff of the center were wonderful hosts and the experience was priceless.
Despite our very short tour, the deep emotional responses indicate just how deep is the collective feeling about slavery, freedom and our current situation. I hope all of my readers will arrange to take a tour in the near future. (I strongly suggest that you go with a group and that you arrange for a dialogue afterwards.)
As Christian leaders we are responsible to assertively lead a movement of healing. Others may sit passively by but the nature of our position requires us to act on building unity and family solidarity among all God's people. Thus, I organized the tour and am writing this blog as an act of following through on the sense of responsibility.
How do we promote and facilitate the flow of GRACE to cut off the Roots of Bitterness that are still causing many to be defiled? First, allow me to define the difference between Mercy and Grace. Mercy removes the penalty of Justice/Guilt. After speeding my Guilt might demand that I lose my license. A judge of Mercy can remove the judgment and only fine me or let me off all together.
Jesus died to remove the penalty of our Guilt. This is God's mercy. I never ask for Justice but cry out for Mercy. Justice is getting that which we do deserve but Mercy is not getting what we deserve.
Grace is getting more than we deserve. If I appeared before a judge and ask to keep my license and he agreed but went farther and invited me to a big meal that would be both Mercy and Grace. In Hebrews we see that the answer to generational sins and Guilt is Grace. It is normal to be angry and demand Justice for our ancestors who trafficked in humans. Anger is normal but bitterness will be the result of anything less than Grace to the ancestors and to one another.
Eric Ellis read a small portion of John Dawson's book last Thursday. Mr. Dawson has written a great deal about healing national sins and cutting off roots of bitterness. I agree and think this is one way we can face the reality of Sin/Guilt among every historic nationality, race and creed. After facing it we can feel the pain and ask for God's Mercy and Grace for all past and present problems. Some of us have done that kind of praying for 25 years.
But that is not enough. We must also deal with our personal desire for Justice, especially in interracial matters. Pointing fingers at the faults and weaknesses of another racial, creedal or national group is a way to deny the need for our own forgiveness. Anything short of Grace to each other will perpetuate more Roots of Bitterness.
Until I am as concerned about the spiritual, financial, emotional and relational welfare of people of color as I am my Scots-Irish ancestors I am still stuck in a graceless miasma pit. I must admit that I like freckles and red hair but those preferences must not become prejudices.
I hope that those in God's family who prefer the darker hues will have Grace for me and my family with the pale Irish complexion. Our sins are many but God's Grace is sufficient even for the Irish slave holders. (As well as the Vikings, English and American Indians in my past.)
In the future perhaps we need to gather for a Grace Invasion.
About forty or so pastors and leaders of parachurch groups were given a special tour at the Underground Freedom Center last Thursday morning. The staff of the center were wonderful hosts and the experience was priceless.
Despite our very short tour, the deep emotional responses indicate just how deep is the collective feeling about slavery, freedom and our current situation. I hope all of my readers will arrange to take a tour in the near future. (I strongly suggest that you go with a group and that you arrange for a dialogue afterwards.)
As Christian leaders we are responsible to assertively lead a movement of healing. Others may sit passively by but the nature of our position requires us to act on building unity and family solidarity among all God's people. Thus, I organized the tour and am writing this blog as an act of following through on the sense of responsibility.
How do we promote and facilitate the flow of GRACE to cut off the Roots of Bitterness that are still causing many to be defiled? First, allow me to define the difference between Mercy and Grace. Mercy removes the penalty of Justice/Guilt. After speeding my Guilt might demand that I lose my license. A judge of Mercy can remove the judgment and only fine me or let me off all together.
Jesus died to remove the penalty of our Guilt. This is God's mercy. I never ask for Justice but cry out for Mercy. Justice is getting that which we do deserve but Mercy is not getting what we deserve.
Grace is getting more than we deserve. If I appeared before a judge and ask to keep my license and he agreed but went farther and invited me to a big meal that would be both Mercy and Grace. In Hebrews we see that the answer to generational sins and Guilt is Grace. It is normal to be angry and demand Justice for our ancestors who trafficked in humans. Anger is normal but bitterness will be the result of anything less than Grace to the ancestors and to one another.
Eric Ellis read a small portion of John Dawson's book last Thursday. Mr. Dawson has written a great deal about healing national sins and cutting off roots of bitterness. I agree and think this is one way we can face the reality of Sin/Guilt among every historic nationality, race and creed. After facing it we can feel the pain and ask for God's Mercy and Grace for all past and present problems. Some of us have done that kind of praying for 25 years.
But that is not enough. We must also deal with our personal desire for Justice, especially in interracial matters. Pointing fingers at the faults and weaknesses of another racial, creedal or national group is a way to deny the need for our own forgiveness. Anything short of Grace to each other will perpetuate more Roots of Bitterness.
Until I am as concerned about the spiritual, financial, emotional and relational welfare of people of color as I am my Scots-Irish ancestors I am still stuck in a graceless miasma pit. I must admit that I like freckles and red hair but those preferences must not become prejudices.
I hope that those in God's family who prefer the darker hues will have Grace for me and my family with the pale Irish complexion. Our sins are many but God's Grace is sufficient even for the Irish slave holders. (As well as the Vikings, English and American Indians in my past.)
In the future perhaps we need to gather for a Grace Invasion.
Healing America's Family Tree
Perhaps no event in American history has so scarred our collective soul more than slavery. The seeds of sin, violence, prejudice and hatred remain to this day. But we must not give up.
Hebrews 12:1-4
Therefore, since we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us also lay aside every encumbrance and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. For consider Him who has endured such hostility by sinners against Himself, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.
As a Healer I have always been concerned about relationships between Black and White Americans because so much hurt and bitterness between us. The mutual suspicion and recrimination that fill the airwaves is painful to experience. But, as a Christian family therapist, I am not surprised. Scripture is clear about what happens when bitterness is passed down from generation to generation and I see it all the time in families with whom I work.
Hebrews 12:11-15
All discipline for the moment seems not to be joyful, but sorrowful; yet to those who have been trained by it, afterwards it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness. Therefore, strengthen the hands that are weak and the knees that are feeble, and make straight paths for your feet, so that the limb which is lame may not be put out of joint, but rather be healed.
Pursue peace with all men, and the sanctification without which no one will see the Lord. See to it that no one comes short of the grace of God; that no root of bitterness springing up causes trouble, and by it many be defiled.
Prepare for healing by being disciplined or discipled. Strengthen our feeble hands and knees so we can pursue healing. Pursue peace with everyone. Most importantly, make sure we do not come up short in grace or a ROOT of BITTERNESS will spring up and pollute many people.
This is exactly what has happened in the past. In theological terms, sin leads to Guilt and Guilt leads to Justice. Justice means that we must pay the penalty set by the Law. If I speed in a school zone the law may prescribe that I lose my driver's license and the Judge's sentence will carry our that Just Judgment.
The violent history of slavery has left current generations with a heavy load of Sin and Guilt from our ancestors. The men and women who tore families apart, brutalized women and children and made fortunes off of human carnage were Guilty and deserved Justice. Someone needs to pay the penalty.
Every ancient people group, religious sect and political nationality had slavers and slaves. Every single one. The Romans, Greeks, Jews, Africans, Spanish, Portuguese, English, Arabs, Chinese, Japanese, American Indians, etc. Captured, sold and benefited from the forced labor of other humans. As the Bible says: All we like sheep have gone astray. We everyone has turned to our own way.
What must we do to be saved? Without Grace and mercy the root of bitterness will continue to haunt out country, our churches and our relationships.
Anger is a feeling of pain and self protection. It has been given to us for our own good by a loving God whose own anger is well recognized. However, bitterness is a "Settled attitude of revenge and distrust." Only Grace can remove it.
How do we experience Grace in our nation and churches?
How do we get grace to flow?
Perhaps no event in American history has so scarred our collective soul more than slavery. The seeds of sin, violence, prejudice and hatred remain to this day. But we must not give up.
Hebrews 12:1-4
Therefore, since we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us also lay aside every encumbrance and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. For consider Him who has endured such hostility by sinners against Himself, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.
As a Healer I have always been concerned about relationships between Black and White Americans because so much hurt and bitterness between us. The mutual suspicion and recrimination that fill the airwaves is painful to experience. But, as a Christian family therapist, I am not surprised. Scripture is clear about what happens when bitterness is passed down from generation to generation and I see it all the time in families with whom I work.
Hebrews 12:11-15
All discipline for the moment seems not to be joyful, but sorrowful; yet to those who have been trained by it, afterwards it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness. Therefore, strengthen the hands that are weak and the knees that are feeble, and make straight paths for your feet, so that the limb which is lame may not be put out of joint, but rather be healed.
Pursue peace with all men, and the sanctification without which no one will see the Lord. See to it that no one comes short of the grace of God; that no root of bitterness springing up causes trouble, and by it many be defiled.
Prepare for healing by being disciplined or discipled. Strengthen our feeble hands and knees so we can pursue healing. Pursue peace with everyone. Most importantly, make sure we do not come up short in grace or a ROOT of BITTERNESS will spring up and pollute many people.
This is exactly what has happened in the past. In theological terms, sin leads to Guilt and Guilt leads to Justice. Justice means that we must pay the penalty set by the Law. If I speed in a school zone the law may prescribe that I lose my driver's license and the Judge's sentence will carry our that Just Judgment.
The violent history of slavery has left current generations with a heavy load of Sin and Guilt from our ancestors. The men and women who tore families apart, brutalized women and children and made fortunes off of human carnage were Guilty and deserved Justice. Someone needs to pay the penalty.
Every ancient people group, religious sect and political nationality had slavers and slaves. Every single one. The Romans, Greeks, Jews, Africans, Spanish, Portuguese, English, Arabs, Chinese, Japanese, American Indians, etc. Captured, sold and benefited from the forced labor of other humans. As the Bible says: All we like sheep have gone astray. We everyone has turned to our own way.
What must we do to be saved? Without Grace and mercy the root of bitterness will continue to haunt out country, our churches and our relationships.
Anger is a feeling of pain and self protection. It has been given to us for our own good by a loving God whose own anger is well recognized. However, bitterness is a "Settled attitude of revenge and distrust." Only Grace can remove it.
How do we experience Grace in our nation and churches?
How do we get grace to flow?
How can we stop the fruit of bitterness?
Healing the Nation
I have been involved in the healing ministry for many years. As a boy I was consistently drawn into squabbles between the other kids and all the girls poured out their little hearts to me about the boys they wanted as "special friends".
The school counselor at Mount Vernon Community College was my hero. Betty Ann Ward showed us students more love, grace and patience than any adult I had ever known. So, after resigning my teaching job because of conflict with the principal over his racism, I decided to enter a program to train college counselors.
After graduation from Southern Illinois University I took a position at University of Cincinnati. The campus was hot in 1967, 68, 69 and early Seventies. Riots, marches, Viet Nam protests and mass sit-ins made life exciting and challenging. During that time, however, I met a group of people who were intensely involved in the movement of the Holy Spirit. For the most part, they had been given the "Left foot of fellowship" at their traditional congregations and left to start house fellowships for praise, worship and Bible study.
Some scholars call this, "The Fourth Great Awakening" but we called it "The Jesus Movement" and it took the world by storm. Karen and I, along with two small kids, began a house church on Jefferson Avenue across from UC. Each Thursday night a bunch of refugees from sex, drugs rock and roll and rebellion gathered in our house for a long evening of Holy Spirit interaction.
It was wonderful. However, like every large revival, the light of Christ drew many people from dysfunctional backgrounds into our little flock. Former addicts, prostitutes, sexual perverts and drug pushers came to faith in Christ and brought their pain, neuroses and habits with them. We were overwhelmed.
In every mass revival this has happened. Wesley's The result is a desperate need for healing, healers and ongoing support. Norway has one of the most famous hospitals and clinics in the world. It was a direct result of their revival in the 30's and 40's. They, like Karen and I, discovered that healing and empowering individuals was not enough. Scarred people grew up in dysfunctional homes with parents in pain.
This revelation led me to pursue a doctorate in Counselor Education and later to study ways to "Heal the Family Tree".
I have been involved in the healing ministry for many years. As a boy I was consistently drawn into squabbles between the other kids and all the girls poured out their little hearts to me about the boys they wanted as "special friends".
The school counselor at Mount Vernon Community College was my hero. Betty Ann Ward showed us students more love, grace and patience than any adult I had ever known. So, after resigning my teaching job because of conflict with the principal over his racism, I decided to enter a program to train college counselors.
After graduation from Southern Illinois University I took a position at University of Cincinnati. The campus was hot in 1967, 68, 69 and early Seventies. Riots, marches, Viet Nam protests and mass sit-ins made life exciting and challenging. During that time, however, I met a group of people who were intensely involved in the movement of the Holy Spirit. For the most part, they had been given the "Left foot of fellowship" at their traditional congregations and left to start house fellowships for praise, worship and Bible study.
Some scholars call this, "The Fourth Great Awakening" but we called it "The Jesus Movement" and it took the world by storm. Karen and I, along with two small kids, began a house church on Jefferson Avenue across from UC. Each Thursday night a bunch of refugees from sex, drugs rock and roll and rebellion gathered in our house for a long evening of Holy Spirit interaction.
It was wonderful. However, like every large revival, the light of Christ drew many people from dysfunctional backgrounds into our little flock. Former addicts, prostitutes, sexual perverts and drug pushers came to faith in Christ and brought their pain, neuroses and habits with them. We were overwhelmed.
In every mass revival this has happened. Wesley's The result is a desperate need for healing, healers and ongoing support. Norway has one of the most famous hospitals and clinics in the world. It was a direct result of their revival in the 30's and 40's. They, like Karen and I, discovered that healing and empowering individuals was not enough. Scarred people grew up in dysfunctional homes with parents in pain.
This revelation led me to pursue a doctorate in Counselor Education and later to study ways to "Heal the Family Tree".
In earlier blogs I have told about some of my family healing experiences. You may wish to read them again. Next: Healing the American Family Tree
Wednesday, March 16, 2005
I Keep Learning
Every time I teach a class on family life I learn something new. Many times I will be so emotionally surprised by the insight that I weep over the loss I felt as a kid or the joy I rediscover as I can "see" my parents and grandparents in the eye of my imagination.
Maybe this is why my favorite group to facilitate is on Generational Family Issues. The Bible is filled with generational insights and examples but few western teachers take that part of scripture very seriously. I am always amazed at how issues and topics seem to come back around every generation or so.
I mentioned before that my Great Grandad was deeply touched by the God and left the church where he was baptized to start a new work. He and about 20 others wanted to preach, teach and experience a "deeper life in the Holy Spirit. This was in 1894, the same year they had my had grandmother. In 1969 both my brother and I left churches to go to "better" ones.
How do such things happen? And, how often?
While on the staff at College Hill Presbyterian I was asked to do some research on the history of the congregation for our 150th anniversary. We had just designed and built a new educational wing with the latest in design. It had circular windows that allowed the children to interact with nature and a small patio outside. It was unique and cutting edge. We thought!
However, we were shocked to learn that our new and different building had an unknown history. In 1877 the elders purchased a building next to the sanctuary in which to hold Sunday school. It was called, The Pig's Eye School because of its round windows.
History repeats itself in both good and bad ways.
Do you know how to be set free from fruit of the bad seed?
How can we leave mother and father?
Do you know how to claim the blessings of past good seed?
How do we honor mother and father?
Do you know how to assess the history of your family and Christian organization?
You can learn how at the Group for Leaders.
Every time I teach a class on family life I learn something new. Many times I will be so emotionally surprised by the insight that I weep over the loss I felt as a kid or the joy I rediscover as I can "see" my parents and grandparents in the eye of my imagination.
Maybe this is why my favorite group to facilitate is on Generational Family Issues. The Bible is filled with generational insights and examples but few western teachers take that part of scripture very seriously. I am always amazed at how issues and topics seem to come back around every generation or so.
I mentioned before that my Great Grandad was deeply touched by the God and left the church where he was baptized to start a new work. He and about 20 others wanted to preach, teach and experience a "deeper life in the Holy Spirit. This was in 1894, the same year they had my had grandmother. In 1969 both my brother and I left churches to go to "better" ones.
How do such things happen? And, how often?
While on the staff at College Hill Presbyterian I was asked to do some research on the history of the congregation for our 150th anniversary. We had just designed and built a new educational wing with the latest in design. It had circular windows that allowed the children to interact with nature and a small patio outside. It was unique and cutting edge. We thought!
However, we were shocked to learn that our new and different building had an unknown history. In 1877 the elders purchased a building next to the sanctuary in which to hold Sunday school. It was called, The Pig's Eye School because of its round windows.
History repeats itself in both good and bad ways.
Do you know how to be set free from fruit of the bad seed?
How can we leave mother and father?
Do you know how to claim the blessings of past good seed?
How do we honor mother and father?
Do you know how to assess the history of your family and Christian organization?
You can learn how at the Group for Leaders.
Abstinance Programs Are...?
Good for the kids and for the country?
Good for preachers but bad for kids?
Bad for Planned Parenthood?
Like Drivers' Education?
Scary for the ACLU?
Log onto my friend Dr. Warren Throckmortons web and find out the answers.
http://www.drthrockmorton.com/article.asp?id=134
Good for the kids and for the country?
Good for preachers but bad for kids?
Bad for Planned Parenthood?
Like Drivers' Education?
Scary for the ACLU?
Log onto my friend Dr. Warren Throckmortons web and find out the answers.
http://www.drthrockmorton.com/article.asp?id=134
Family Systems
One of the best examples of a systemic approach to family and church life comes from, who else, but Shakespeare. The parents of two young and beautiful teenagers tried their best to keep the kids apart after they fell for each other. Raging hormones and teen rebellion combined to keep the youngsters frantically doing everything possible to stay stuck together.
The myth of many conservative Christians is similar. If we but teach our kids certain moral truths then they will certainly follow our orders. If we threaten them with hell fire or other punishment here on earth, so the thinking goes, they will conform perfectly to our desires. It is an unfortunate fact that such children often do the exact opposite of their parent's desires.
There is, in fact, a universal law about such legalistic approaches to life. Legalism, threats and intimidation rarely works unless the law giver is Saddam Hussein. Take a look at the article below about the UMW trying to stop the Marines from parking on their lot.
The United Auto Workers union waved a white flag Monday in its parking skirmish with neighboring reservists, but the 1st Battalion, 24th Marines are not accepting surrender, the Detroit News reports:
Facing intense criticism, UAW President Ron Gettelfinger reversed his decision to ban Marine Corps reservists driving foreign cars or displaying pro-President Bush bumper stickers from parking at the union's Solidarity House headquarters in Detroit.
I made the wrong call on the parking issue, and I have notified the Marine Corps that all reservists are welcome to park at Solidarity House as they have for the past 10 years, Gettelfinger said in a statement.
What's most astonishing about this is the photo that accompanies the Detroit News article. Here's the caption: Tony Camilleri of Dearborn Heights covered up the Chevrolet logo on his Silverado with a Toyota sign as a tribute to the Marines. The UAW has a longstanding policy prohibiting foreign makes from its parking lots.
The UAW's threats actually turned foreign cars into a symbol of patriotism.
Legalism had the opposite of the desired effect.
But this is exactly what the Bible says.
Romans 5:20 The law was added so that the trespass might increase.
One of the best examples of a systemic approach to family and church life comes from, who else, but Shakespeare. The parents of two young and beautiful teenagers tried their best to keep the kids apart after they fell for each other. Raging hormones and teen rebellion combined to keep the youngsters frantically doing everything possible to stay stuck together.
The myth of many conservative Christians is similar. If we but teach our kids certain moral truths then they will certainly follow our orders. If we threaten them with hell fire or other punishment here on earth, so the thinking goes, they will conform perfectly to our desires. It is an unfortunate fact that such children often do the exact opposite of their parent's desires.
There is, in fact, a universal law about such legalistic approaches to life. Legalism, threats and intimidation rarely works unless the law giver is Saddam Hussein. Take a look at the article below about the UMW trying to stop the Marines from parking on their lot.
The United Auto Workers union waved a white flag Monday in its parking skirmish with neighboring reservists, but the 1st Battalion, 24th Marines are not accepting surrender, the Detroit News reports:
Facing intense criticism, UAW President Ron Gettelfinger reversed his decision to ban Marine Corps reservists driving foreign cars or displaying pro-President Bush bumper stickers from parking at the union's Solidarity House headquarters in Detroit.
I made the wrong call on the parking issue, and I have notified the Marine Corps that all reservists are welcome to park at Solidarity House as they have for the past 10 years, Gettelfinger said in a statement.
What's most astonishing about this is the photo that accompanies the Detroit News article. Here's the caption: Tony Camilleri of Dearborn Heights covered up the Chevrolet logo on his Silverado with a Toyota sign as a tribute to the Marines. The UAW has a longstanding policy prohibiting foreign makes from its parking lots.
The UAW's threats actually turned foreign cars into a symbol of patriotism.
Legalism had the opposite of the desired effect.
But this is exactly what the Bible says.
Romans 5:20 The law was added so that the trespass might increase.
Tuesday, March 15, 2005
Monday, March 14, 2005
Why Study Family From A Systemic Perspective?
Looking at the world through linear eyes is the primary way we have been trained to think in the western world. Unfortunately, that view leaves a lot to be desired for Christians. The Bible is an Eastern book that actually describes events and family life much more as a system than a straight cause and effect manner. For example, if you want to know how to live a long time the Bible tells us how.
Western doctors and exercise enthusiasts insist that we must put the right fuel in the tank in order to live long healthy lives. But the Bible says something different. God says Honor your father and your mother, as the LORD your God has commanded you, so that you may live long and that it may go well with you in the land the LORD your God is giving you. Dt 5:16
Many American leaders write books and preach sermons about how to rear children. The usually end up with something like, Seven Steps to Perfect Kids With No Sibling Rivalry. The Bible almost never offers seven or ten of anything because it recognizes that life is not linear. We cannot treat kids like billiard balls. When I play, and beat, my son Timothy at pool, I aim and push the cue so it hits the cue ball and the cue ball hits the nine ball to make sure it rolls smoothly into the side pocket. Simple: A hits B that roles into C and C rolls into the pocket.
Rearing children at home is not a linear issue. They do not respond like billiard balls. Family life is much more like a series of magnetized metal balls connection with electrical currents. The balls are labeled A, B, C, D, E and F. They are interconnected, not just in a circle but across to each other as well. I cannot show it on this blog so put your imagination to work.
When the electric current is turned on, every ball is charged and is either repelled or attracted to another ball. When I was a kid I sometimes played with magnets that had plastic dogs attached to them. We would take the magnets and place on on top of a piece of paper and the other on the bottom. When the top dog was turned or moved the bottom dog also moved or spun according to their polarity. When two positives are together the dogs repelled but a positive and a negative cause them to be drawn together.
This is like a family. When tension, conflict, changes and growth occur an electric charge shoots through the circuit and everything moves as a result. The positives attract but the negatives repel. It is not just the cue ball and the nine ball that moves but everyone that is connected.
The best thing to do to repair a conflicted couple may be to look at the unresolved conflict between the husband and his father rather than what is occurring between the husband and wife. We must leave home before we can cleave to a wife.
Scripture says: For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh. Genesis 2:23-25 I call this Leave, cleave and weave together.
If the man or woman has not fully left home but carries unhealthy habits, reactions and anger into the marriage it will be very difficult for that couple to develop commitment, cleave and intimacy, weave. Did you ever vow to be different from your dad or mom? Repent immediately and ask for forgiveness. Clean up all past areas of anger and bitterness. By going back we can move forward.
The universe operates in a systemic not a linear way. High and low tides come about from the moon and sun so waves cannot be controlled directly. Sibling rivalry comes from the way a parent relates to his/her child not from the way the child's sibling treats him. So, to try to control the kid directly will not, as a rule, work successfully.
If your child is acting out take a look at the way you interact with him. All chronic behavior is rewarded behavior. If you find yourself in a chronic battle of control with one of your children surrender. Quit fighting and refuse to give in to the temptation to retort, attack, get defensive or discipline. Surrender the desire to control your kids behavior and develop a structure that forces them to stay within the boundaries.
If you church board is acting out chronically trying to control you and the staff, look at the ways you are rewarding them and stop it.
If your behavior is not working-stop it.
If it is working-do more of it.
If it ain't broke-don't fix it.
Looking at the world through linear eyes is the primary way we have been trained to think in the western world. Unfortunately, that view leaves a lot to be desired for Christians. The Bible is an Eastern book that actually describes events and family life much more as a system than a straight cause and effect manner. For example, if you want to know how to live a long time the Bible tells us how.
Western doctors and exercise enthusiasts insist that we must put the right fuel in the tank in order to live long healthy lives. But the Bible says something different. God says Honor your father and your mother, as the LORD your God has commanded you, so that you may live long and that it may go well with you in the land the LORD your God is giving you. Dt 5:16
Many American leaders write books and preach sermons about how to rear children. The usually end up with something like, Seven Steps to Perfect Kids With No Sibling Rivalry. The Bible almost never offers seven or ten of anything because it recognizes that life is not linear. We cannot treat kids like billiard balls. When I play, and beat, my son Timothy at pool, I aim and push the cue so it hits the cue ball and the cue ball hits the nine ball to make sure it rolls smoothly into the side pocket. Simple: A hits B that roles into C and C rolls into the pocket.
Rearing children at home is not a linear issue. They do not respond like billiard balls. Family life is much more like a series of magnetized metal balls connection with electrical currents. The balls are labeled A, B, C, D, E and F. They are interconnected, not just in a circle but across to each other as well. I cannot show it on this blog so put your imagination to work.
When the electric current is turned on, every ball is charged and is either repelled or attracted to another ball. When I was a kid I sometimes played with magnets that had plastic dogs attached to them. We would take the magnets and place on on top of a piece of paper and the other on the bottom. When the top dog was turned or moved the bottom dog also moved or spun according to their polarity. When two positives are together the dogs repelled but a positive and a negative cause them to be drawn together.
This is like a family. When tension, conflict, changes and growth occur an electric charge shoots through the circuit and everything moves as a result. The positives attract but the negatives repel. It is not just the cue ball and the nine ball that moves but everyone that is connected.
The best thing to do to repair a conflicted couple may be to look at the unresolved conflict between the husband and his father rather than what is occurring between the husband and wife. We must leave home before we can cleave to a wife.
Scripture says: For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh. Genesis 2:23-25 I call this Leave, cleave and weave together.
If the man or woman has not fully left home but carries unhealthy habits, reactions and anger into the marriage it will be very difficult for that couple to develop commitment, cleave and intimacy, weave. Did you ever vow to be different from your dad or mom? Repent immediately and ask for forgiveness. Clean up all past areas of anger and bitterness. By going back we can move forward.
The universe operates in a systemic not a linear way. High and low tides come about from the moon and sun so waves cannot be controlled directly. Sibling rivalry comes from the way a parent relates to his/her child not from the way the child's sibling treats him. So, to try to control the kid directly will not, as a rule, work successfully.
If your child is acting out take a look at the way you interact with him. All chronic behavior is rewarded behavior. If you find yourself in a chronic battle of control with one of your children surrender. Quit fighting and refuse to give in to the temptation to retort, attack, get defensive or discipline. Surrender the desire to control your kids behavior and develop a structure that forces them to stay within the boundaries.
If you church board is acting out chronically trying to control you and the staff, look at the ways you are rewarding them and stop it.
If your behavior is not working-stop it.
If it is working-do more of it.
If it ain't broke-don't fix it.
Who Ordained You or Placed You In ministry?
I was ordained by a group of ministers through Harvest Fellowship Church. Before that I was ordained as a Ruling Elder at College Hill Presbyterian Church. Each time it was a humbling and motivating event. However, when Dr. Ed Friedman asked me this question he had another person in mind and I was shocked to learn who it was.
If I asked that of you what would you say? Like me would you mention a church or Christian organization? Or, like Dr. Friedman would you look at your past history to see what man or woman had seemingly "willed" you to take up the cross and follow Jesus?
I have always said that my mothers' mother, we called her Mom Taylor, had a tremendous effect on my spiritual life. My grandparents lived next door and actually owned all the land on which we both lived. It was a five acre truck farm on the outskirts of Ina, Illinois, a tiny village of 200 hardy, hard working souls.
Mom was the brightest, best trained and most spiritual person in our area. Her father, John Thomas Dempsey, had been found by Christ as an adult and then experienced a unique meeting with the Holy Spirit in a 1894 camp meeting. Mom was born that same year. The Dempsey, along with 20 others, also birthed New Hope baptist Church after splitting off from Union Baptist over the need for a Second Blessing.
I never met Rev. J.T. Dempsey for he died in 1928 and I was born in 1938. In fact, Until I learned about the genogram, a way to record past family patterns, I was ignorant about most of my family background. However, now that I have looked into the past, perhaps it was the pastor, evangelist and church planter Tom Dempsey along with Mom Dempsey Taylor who actually set me into the office of Pastor, teacher and church planter.
I have become a true believer in the biblical statements about generational sins and blessings. In 1968-69 I left Dent Baptist Church about the freedom to study scripture in small groups. Over the next couple of years we planted several "home churches" around the campus of the University of Cincinnati. In those churches we experienced a Second Blessing and became deeply involved in the Jesus Movement.
Knowing nothing about my great grandfather J.T. Dempsey's history I never even thought I might be reaping the blessings and patterns of this distant figure. Later, when I began to list some of the things on my genogram that had happened in my life, I heard my elder brother mention that in 1968-69 he too had left a Baptist Church to plant another new and different kind of congregation. VOILA! Is there a pattern here?
On her deathbed, Mom Taylor got me confused with her daddy and would say things like, Oh poppy, don't leave me again. I miss you so much when you travel to preach. And she always insisted that we sing a few revival songs before I left. She remembered every verse although I forgot many of them.
A few years before my mother passed away I was talking with her about our family history. She said, Gary Ray, you do remind me so much of Poppy, my grandfather Dempsey. You look like him, talk like him and sound like him.
Who really ordained me?
Who chose you to fulfill the role you are in?
I was ordained by a group of ministers through Harvest Fellowship Church. Before that I was ordained as a Ruling Elder at College Hill Presbyterian Church. Each time it was a humbling and motivating event. However, when Dr. Ed Friedman asked me this question he had another person in mind and I was shocked to learn who it was.
If I asked that of you what would you say? Like me would you mention a church or Christian organization? Or, like Dr. Friedman would you look at your past history to see what man or woman had seemingly "willed" you to take up the cross and follow Jesus?
I have always said that my mothers' mother, we called her Mom Taylor, had a tremendous effect on my spiritual life. My grandparents lived next door and actually owned all the land on which we both lived. It was a five acre truck farm on the outskirts of Ina, Illinois, a tiny village of 200 hardy, hard working souls.
Mom was the brightest, best trained and most spiritual person in our area. Her father, John Thomas Dempsey, had been found by Christ as an adult and then experienced a unique meeting with the Holy Spirit in a 1894 camp meeting. Mom was born that same year. The Dempsey, along with 20 others, also birthed New Hope baptist Church after splitting off from Union Baptist over the need for a Second Blessing.
I never met Rev. J.T. Dempsey for he died in 1928 and I was born in 1938. In fact, Until I learned about the genogram, a way to record past family patterns, I was ignorant about most of my family background. However, now that I have looked into the past, perhaps it was the pastor, evangelist and church planter Tom Dempsey along with Mom Dempsey Taylor who actually set me into the office of Pastor, teacher and church planter.
I have become a true believer in the biblical statements about generational sins and blessings. In 1968-69 I left Dent Baptist Church about the freedom to study scripture in small groups. Over the next couple of years we planted several "home churches" around the campus of the University of Cincinnati. In those churches we experienced a Second Blessing and became deeply involved in the Jesus Movement.
Knowing nothing about my great grandfather J.T. Dempsey's history I never even thought I might be reaping the blessings and patterns of this distant figure. Later, when I began to list some of the things on my genogram that had happened in my life, I heard my elder brother mention that in 1968-69 he too had left a Baptist Church to plant another new and different kind of congregation. VOILA! Is there a pattern here?
On her deathbed, Mom Taylor got me confused with her daddy and would say things like, Oh poppy, don't leave me again. I miss you so much when you travel to preach. And she always insisted that we sing a few revival songs before I left. She remembered every verse although I forgot many of them.
A few years before my mother passed away I was talking with her about our family history. She said, Gary Ray, you do remind me so much of Poppy, my grandfather Dempsey. You look like him, talk like him and sound like him.
Who really ordained me?
Who chose you to fulfill the role you are in?
An Invitation to an Exciting Growth Experience for Local Leaders
Dr. Gary Sweeten
Family Therapist and Pastor to Leaders
About 20 years ago I attended a yearlong seminar/workshop with Rabbi and Family Therapist, Dr. Edwin Friedman. Ed wrote From Generation to Generation; Family Processes in the Congregation and Synagogue. It has become A survival manual for Christian leaders. From Dr. Friedman I learned how to understand my own family as well as the family of God. My growth and healing continue to this day.
It was an entirely new way to think about family and church life. It was a breath of fresh air. I still follow his model and want you learn as well. It was one of the most important teachings about leadership I ever had.
Do you ever question what it means as a leader to “lead your own family” as it says in Timothy? Do you sometimes question your qualifications for Ministry?
Do you wish you could do more for couples and families?
Are you sometimes stumped with questions about parenting?
Are pornography, infidelity and addictions a concern?
Do you wish you knew how to remove sinful patterns from your family tree?
Are you interested in improving your family and church leadership style?
Would you like to build a healthy family legacy?
Want to be a better counselor?
Would you like to eliminate bad habits?
Are you interested in being a better leader and getting people to cooperate with you?
Would you like to take criticism better? (And give it with more effect?)
Then consider this dynamic and challenging confidential group.
This group will help you, your marriage and your future generations. You will learn how to apply your insights at home and church.
What: The Leaders’ Families
When: Wednesday Mornings: 9:30-11:30 for six (6) weeks starting March 27. (The first Wednesday after Easter)
Where: LifeWay Counseling Centers (I will send directions)
Who: Pastors, Elders, Counselors, Lay Leaders
What’s the Cost: Freewill donation to LifeWay Ministries Inc
(Bring a spouse or an assistant to make it more fun.)
The Christian should always be anxious to know himself. No other man truly wants to know himself. The natural man thinks he knows himself, and thereby reveals his basic trouble. He evades self-examination because to know one's self is ultimately the most painful piece of knowledge that a man can ever acquire. D. Martyn Lloyd-Jones, M. D.
Thursday, March 10, 2005
Good Marriages
The favorite writer among marriage and family therapists is probably Dr. John Gottman. This is the man who has studied why marriages succeed and why they fail and has come up with some very helpful insights. Although his research is pretty sophisticated, his results are fairly simple. (Not easy, just simple.)
Gottman discovered that the way couples deal with the inevitable conflicts and differences in a marriage will predict if they are satisfied or miserable. Interestingly enough, his scientific research matches exactly that which Jesus taught 2000 years ago. And Jesus came up with the answers without all the fancy brain scans, blood pressure cuffs and heart rate machines. HMM!
Dr. Gottman found that when couples handle differences in a healthy manner, their marriages will be successful but if they fall into the trap of accusations and excuses watch out for a good lawyer. Happily, the skills of managing conflict are teachable and even troubled couples can learn them. (This is what we often do in counseling.)
Here is the key: Be angry but do not sin and do not let the sun go down on your bitterness.
When differences occur, we all get frustrated and impatient with reactivity on the inside. As long as we can control our emotional response and simply share our Complaints in a calm manner, we will survive. For example: I am really upset that you have not remembered to bring home the milk and cereal. You promised that you would take care of breakfast and I am frustrated.
This kind of a Complaint can be dealt with successfully. However, after some time, our frustrations may get the best of us and we move from a Complaint to a Criticism. You are really dumb to forget the cereal and milk again. I don't think you even care about remembering these things.
If a Criticism fails to work I may move on to Contempt. You are really lazy and shiftless can't you do anything right? You are just like your father and...
Even a mild Complaint can cause us to become anxious, worried and defensive but A Criticism really gets the juices flowing. Most of us, especially males, are built to be very sensitive to a threat so when facing a Criticism we will experience increased blood pressure and an immediate fight/flight response. God created us to be ready for an attack and nothing cause more stress and the development of the fight/flight hormonal release than a spousal assault.
But if you really want to see someone you love develop a chemical and emotional eruption just assault them with a contemptuous statement. Contempt attacks our essence as a man or woman. It is a character assassination and when it occurs the body goes into a full flood of defensive emotions. The first reaction is to attack the other person physically but that is contrary to the norms of society so we simply react with our own verbal Contempt and raise the level of flooding to a record levels.
Daniel Goleman, the author of EQ, tells about a coupe he saw coming out of a New York cafe. The male ran out first, slamming the door in anger, frustration and desperation. His female companion ran after him shouting, "Come back here you SOB and show m that you love me!"
She really wanted love but was not very good ate asking for it. Instead, out of her pain, disappointment and sadness attacked the very one whom she needed most. A good counselor could save them a lot of attorney's fees to say nothing of the grief, loss and depression of a divorce.
Far too many couples love each other and so desperately want love, tenderness and respect back that when they are disappointed they react violently and push away the person they need most.
Stop attacking!
Stop Criticizing!
Stop the Contempt!
Death or life are in the power of the tongue.
The favorite writer among marriage and family therapists is probably Dr. John Gottman. This is the man who has studied why marriages succeed and why they fail and has come up with some very helpful insights. Although his research is pretty sophisticated, his results are fairly simple. (Not easy, just simple.)
Gottman discovered that the way couples deal with the inevitable conflicts and differences in a marriage will predict if they are satisfied or miserable. Interestingly enough, his scientific research matches exactly that which Jesus taught 2000 years ago. And Jesus came up with the answers without all the fancy brain scans, blood pressure cuffs and heart rate machines. HMM!
Dr. Gottman found that when couples handle differences in a healthy manner, their marriages will be successful but if they fall into the trap of accusations and excuses watch out for a good lawyer. Happily, the skills of managing conflict are teachable and even troubled couples can learn them. (This is what we often do in counseling.)
Here is the key: Be angry but do not sin and do not let the sun go down on your bitterness.
When differences occur, we all get frustrated and impatient with reactivity on the inside. As long as we can control our emotional response and simply share our Complaints in a calm manner, we will survive. For example: I am really upset that you have not remembered to bring home the milk and cereal. You promised that you would take care of breakfast and I am frustrated.
This kind of a Complaint can be dealt with successfully. However, after some time, our frustrations may get the best of us and we move from a Complaint to a Criticism. You are really dumb to forget the cereal and milk again. I don't think you even care about remembering these things.
If a Criticism fails to work I may move on to Contempt. You are really lazy and shiftless can't you do anything right? You are just like your father and...
Even a mild Complaint can cause us to become anxious, worried and defensive but A Criticism really gets the juices flowing. Most of us, especially males, are built to be very sensitive to a threat so when facing a Criticism we will experience increased blood pressure and an immediate fight/flight response. God created us to be ready for an attack and nothing cause more stress and the development of the fight/flight hormonal release than a spousal assault.
But if you really want to see someone you love develop a chemical and emotional eruption just assault them with a contemptuous statement. Contempt attacks our essence as a man or woman. It is a character assassination and when it occurs the body goes into a full flood of defensive emotions. The first reaction is to attack the other person physically but that is contrary to the norms of society so we simply react with our own verbal Contempt and raise the level of flooding to a record levels.
Daniel Goleman, the author of EQ, tells about a coupe he saw coming out of a New York cafe. The male ran out first, slamming the door in anger, frustration and desperation. His female companion ran after him shouting, "Come back here you SOB and show m that you love me!"
She really wanted love but was not very good ate asking for it. Instead, out of her pain, disappointment and sadness attacked the very one whom she needed most. A good counselor could save them a lot of attorney's fees to say nothing of the grief, loss and depression of a divorce.
Far too many couples love each other and so desperately want love, tenderness and respect back that when they are disappointed they react violently and push away the person they need most.
Stop attacking!
Stop Criticizing!
Stop the Contempt!
Death or life are in the power of the tongue.
Offer gentle Complaints and work out the details in a mutually respectful manner.
Tuesday, March 08, 2005
The Pain of Divorce
Scripture says that "God hates divorce." Please note that it does not say that God hates the divorced person. Unfortunately, that is the way many people read this passage.
After 30 years of counseling couples and families who have gone through the pain leading up to divorce and reaping its terrible toll I understand why God must hate divorce.
God also hates rape, sexual abuse, child pornography and adultery. The pain, suffering and dysfunction that comes from such trauma grieves the Lord. It is not the divorce itself that is the problem but the arguments, misunderstandings and conflicts that lead people to choose divorce over the marriage. No one gets married with the understanding that they will divorce. Most people want desperately for the marriage to be filled with love, loyalty and life-giving relationships.
I know how to assist people in developing a life-giving marriage. I have been doing this in classes, seminars, workshops and counseling for many years. It is not hopeless nor is it rocket science. It IS, however, hard work. We can point to numerous success stories.
There are many places where distressed couples can ge help. No matter how bad things are a well trained couple counselor can help you make it better if you are willing to work at it. No amount of work in marriage is more difficult than the work of picking up the pieces after a divorce.
Get help for yourself even if your spouse refuses.
Scripture says that "God hates divorce." Please note that it does not say that God hates the divorced person. Unfortunately, that is the way many people read this passage.
After 30 years of counseling couples and families who have gone through the pain leading up to divorce and reaping its terrible toll I understand why God must hate divorce.
God also hates rape, sexual abuse, child pornography and adultery. The pain, suffering and dysfunction that comes from such trauma grieves the Lord. It is not the divorce itself that is the problem but the arguments, misunderstandings and conflicts that lead people to choose divorce over the marriage. No one gets married with the understanding that they will divorce. Most people want desperately for the marriage to be filled with love, loyalty and life-giving relationships.
I know how to assist people in developing a life-giving marriage. I have been doing this in classes, seminars, workshops and counseling for many years. It is not hopeless nor is it rocket science. It IS, however, hard work. We can point to numerous success stories.
There are many places where distressed couples can ge help. No matter how bad things are a well trained couple counselor can help you make it better if you are willing to work at it. No amount of work in marriage is more difficult than the work of picking up the pieces after a divorce.
Get help for yourself even if your spouse refuses.
Divorce Prevention
We who are in the family counseling profession know how to prevent divorces. The research is clear and we all have the knowledge and skills necessary to help couples develop emotional intimacy and reduce toxic conflict.
Yes, some conflict is toxic and some can be healing. Here are some guidelines.
Never accuse
Never excuse
Never accuse: By accusing our spouse we almost always end up attacking their personhood. Character attacks are forbidden in scripture because they disrespect a person created in God's image. Disrespect by a spouse, parent or close friend is the most painful thing in life.
Accusations like these, are out of bounds.
You are a liar
You failed again.
You never remember the important things.
You will be just like your dad/mother.
What is another option other than accusations?
I statements:
I want
I need
I like
I feel
I do not like it when you
Never excuse: Attacks stimulate us to excuse ourselves and become defensive to protect our fragile self image. It is normal and understandable for us to be tempted to excuse ourselves or shift the blame to another source but it is not healthy to do so.
When working at College Hill Presbyterian the staff developed a principle that we would try never to excuse ourselves no matter what our problem. If we came late to staff meeting we would simply say, "I failed." We were not allowed to say, "I had a flat tire" or "The traffic was awful" or "I needed gas" because that was an excuse.
When I forget my wife's birthday I will say, "I forgot! Forgive me" rather than, "Oh, things are so hectic at work."
We who are in the family counseling profession know how to prevent divorces. The research is clear and we all have the knowledge and skills necessary to help couples develop emotional intimacy and reduce toxic conflict.
Yes, some conflict is toxic and some can be healing. Here are some guidelines.
Never accuse
Never excuse
Never accuse: By accusing our spouse we almost always end up attacking their personhood. Character attacks are forbidden in scripture because they disrespect a person created in God's image. Disrespect by a spouse, parent or close friend is the most painful thing in life.
Accusations like these, are out of bounds.
You are a liar
You failed again.
You never remember the important things.
You will be just like your dad/mother.
What is another option other than accusations?
I statements:
I want
I need
I like
I feel
I do not like it when you
Never excuse: Attacks stimulate us to excuse ourselves and become defensive to protect our fragile self image. It is normal and understandable for us to be tempted to excuse ourselves or shift the blame to another source but it is not healthy to do so.
When working at College Hill Presbyterian the staff developed a principle that we would try never to excuse ourselves no matter what our problem. If we came late to staff meeting we would simply say, "I failed." We were not allowed to say, "I had a flat tire" or "The traffic was awful" or "I needed gas" because that was an excuse.
When I forget my wife's birthday I will say, "I forgot! Forgive me" rather than, "Oh, things are so hectic at work."
Spelling Bee Champion
Last Sunday our grandson, Jacob Knispel, took center stage at St. Mark Lutheran School in Milford against the best students in all the LCMS churches in the region. During lunch Jacob informed us that he was a pretty good speller and would try to win first place against all the other kids in all the other schools.
I like Jacobs fiery competitive spirit and his self confidence. I said if he won Karen and I would put $100.00 in his College Scholarship Fund that Karen's sister has set up through State Farm Insurance. I knew this offer would put extra pressure on Jacob but it is a good thing for children to learn how to face competition and work hard to win.
Jacob has always been competitive but when he was younger it was hard for him to lose without getting emotionally upset. Our daughter and son-in-law have been working with Jacob and teaching him how to be a Tigger Kid and Bounce back from Adversity.
Our family plays a lot of board games. Jacob still finds losing difficult but he has learned a lot about managing his feelings and bouncing back to try and try again. Jacob is very skilled at games and we do not let him win just because he is only ten years old. This approach has proven to be very important in teaching Jacob to be RESILIENT, and nothing is more important to our mental health than resilience.
For the past few weeks I have been leading groups for Horizon Church on understanding and healing our family tree. In the middle of the group Jacob called me on a cell phone from the school and happily noted that I owed his College Fund a cool $100.00!
Congratulations Jacob! We are very happy to put that money toward your higher education.
Last Sunday our grandson, Jacob Knispel, took center stage at St. Mark Lutheran School in Milford against the best students in all the LCMS churches in the region. During lunch Jacob informed us that he was a pretty good speller and would try to win first place against all the other kids in all the other schools.
I like Jacobs fiery competitive spirit and his self confidence. I said if he won Karen and I would put $100.00 in his College Scholarship Fund that Karen's sister has set up through State Farm Insurance. I knew this offer would put extra pressure on Jacob but it is a good thing for children to learn how to face competition and work hard to win.
Jacob has always been competitive but when he was younger it was hard for him to lose without getting emotionally upset. Our daughter and son-in-law have been working with Jacob and teaching him how to be a Tigger Kid and Bounce back from Adversity.
Our family plays a lot of board games. Jacob still finds losing difficult but he has learned a lot about managing his feelings and bouncing back to try and try again. Jacob is very skilled at games and we do not let him win just because he is only ten years old. This approach has proven to be very important in teaching Jacob to be RESILIENT, and nothing is more important to our mental health than resilience.
For the past few weeks I have been leading groups for Horizon Church on understanding and healing our family tree. In the middle of the group Jacob called me on a cell phone from the school and happily noted that I owed his College Fund a cool $100.00!
Congratulations Jacob! We are very happy to put that money toward your higher education.
Monday, March 07, 2005
Dr. Galina Chentsova with Dr. Gary Sweeten and Steve Griebling during a ministry-training visit to Moscow, russia. Galina is a Christian psychiatrist and head of Lifeways Russia. She trains many pastors, lay helpers and professional Christian therapists. She and a team of committed believers have set up Recovery Groups all around the former USSR.
Sharinai, a woman dramatically and miraculously converted from Islam, leads a group of women at the Saltikovka Retreat Center in worship. Sharinai planted a house church in Moscow and currently ministers to thousands of Muslims as well as others. Pray for our team in Russia.
Nina and Galina, key leaders, are behind and to the left of Sharinai
How to Receive Blessings and Remove Curses
For this reason you shall leave mother and father, cleave to your wife and the two shall become one flesh. Genesis 2:24
Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the LORD your God is giving you. Exodus 20:12
For I will take you out of the nations; I will gather you from all the countries and bring you back into your own land. 25 I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you will be clean; I will cleanse you from all your impurities and from all your idols.
26 I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.
27 And I will put my Spirit in you and move you to follow my decrees and be careful to keep my laws. 28 You will live in the land I gave your forefathers; you will be my people, and I will be your God.
29 I will save you from all your uncleanness. I will call for the grain and make it plentiful and will not bring famine upon you. 30 I will increase the fruit of the trees and the crops of the field, so that you will no longer suffer disgrace among the nations because of famine.
31 Then you will remember your evil ways and wicked deeds, and you will loathe yourselves for your sins and detestable practices. 32 I want you to know that I am not doing this for your sake, declares the Sovereign LORD. Ezekiel 24
In the following prayers we will focus on eliminating all the things that bring us death, illness, sin and degradation from the past while thanking God for those practices, principles and blessings that we want to honor in our family past.
Prayer is a continual process not a one time affair. As you come into the presence of the Lord and seek His face He will more than likely reveal things that you need to pray about. For example, some people receive insights about the blessings and curses of ancestors and pray to receive all the blessings and cut off all the curses. Others begin to see inherited patterns that God wants them to change.
Repentance, or a change of mind, will and behavior, are all essential to generational healing.
Ora et labora: prayer and work
We cannot repent for past persons but we must repent for the sinful attitudes, actions and habits we see passing into our own lives. For example my father had a violent temper and I can see the same temptation in myself and in my offspring so I can repent for myself and pray for forgiveness and healing for others.
Prayers
Pray that God will bless you with gifts, honor, talents and strengths. That His love and power will be multiplied to you and your family. Ask God to give me and my offspring will be blessed with a double portion of his grace, power and right living.
Pray that all curses and sins as well as unrighteous patterns will be broken. Ask forgiveness for any and all idolatry, sexual misbehavior, drug abuse, mental illness, rage, divisions and other fruit of the flesh will be halted. Seek information about murders, suicides, abortions, abusive behavior, alcoholism, abandonment, criminality, witchcraft, etc. Ask God to reveal all family secrets so you can walk in the light.
Ask God to cleanse the generational line of all guilt, shame, bondage and rebellion. Place the shed blood of Jesus between you and your mother back to the fourth generation and ask Him to cleanse all the family of unrighteous patterns. Do the same for your father’s family. Lift up each known member of your family tree and pray God’s blessing and cleansing. Prayerfully place the blood of Jesus between you and each child and each grandchild.
Command Satan and all his angels to flee from your family for all generations.
Ask God to reveal and change all your dysfunctional roles and bad habits.
Give Him thanks and praise for all He is doing.
For this reason you shall leave mother and father, cleave to your wife and the two shall become one flesh. Genesis 2:24
Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the LORD your God is giving you. Exodus 20:12
For I will take you out of the nations; I will gather you from all the countries and bring you back into your own land. 25 I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you will be clean; I will cleanse you from all your impurities and from all your idols.
26 I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.
27 And I will put my Spirit in you and move you to follow my decrees and be careful to keep my laws. 28 You will live in the land I gave your forefathers; you will be my people, and I will be your God.
29 I will save you from all your uncleanness. I will call for the grain and make it plentiful and will not bring famine upon you. 30 I will increase the fruit of the trees and the crops of the field, so that you will no longer suffer disgrace among the nations because of famine.
31 Then you will remember your evil ways and wicked deeds, and you will loathe yourselves for your sins and detestable practices. 32 I want you to know that I am not doing this for your sake, declares the Sovereign LORD. Ezekiel 24
In the following prayers we will focus on eliminating all the things that bring us death, illness, sin and degradation from the past while thanking God for those practices, principles and blessings that we want to honor in our family past.
Prayer is a continual process not a one time affair. As you come into the presence of the Lord and seek His face He will more than likely reveal things that you need to pray about. For example, some people receive insights about the blessings and curses of ancestors and pray to receive all the blessings and cut off all the curses. Others begin to see inherited patterns that God wants them to change.
Repentance, or a change of mind, will and behavior, are all essential to generational healing.
Ora et labora: prayer and work
We cannot repent for past persons but we must repent for the sinful attitudes, actions and habits we see passing into our own lives. For example my father had a violent temper and I can see the same temptation in myself and in my offspring so I can repent for myself and pray for forgiveness and healing for others.
Prayers
Pray that God will bless you with gifts, honor, talents and strengths. That His love and power will be multiplied to you and your family. Ask God to give me and my offspring will be blessed with a double portion of his grace, power and right living.
Pray that all curses and sins as well as unrighteous patterns will be broken. Ask forgiveness for any and all idolatry, sexual misbehavior, drug abuse, mental illness, rage, divisions and other fruit of the flesh will be halted. Seek information about murders, suicides, abortions, abusive behavior, alcoholism, abandonment, criminality, witchcraft, etc. Ask God to reveal all family secrets so you can walk in the light.
Ask God to cleanse the generational line of all guilt, shame, bondage and rebellion. Place the shed blood of Jesus between you and your mother back to the fourth generation and ask Him to cleanse all the family of unrighteous patterns. Do the same for your father’s family. Lift up each known member of your family tree and pray God’s blessing and cleansing. Prayerfully place the blood of Jesus between you and each child and each grandchild.
Command Satan and all his angels to flee from your family for all generations.
Ask God to reveal and change all your dysfunctional roles and bad habits.
Give Him thanks and praise for all He is doing.
Sunday, March 06, 2005
Russian Renewal
During a ministry/training trip to Norway in 1988 a two colleagues had visions about ministry in the East. We later discovered that God meant the former USSR and events soon took us into Moscow and Saint Petersburg.
Fast forward to a retreat with about 40 men and women from various ministries. They all had some things in common.
1. They were all new in the faith. Some had come to Christ within the past two years and were now pastoring or leading healing/counseling/ recovery groups for addicts. Talk about the blind leading the blind!
2. They were strongly motivated to grow.
3. They knew nothing about how to minister to others.
The watchword for such a group is, "help them work on themselves while teaching about ministry to others." One situation was particularly interesting. A woman in her fifties, Nina, with a daughter about thirty, Galina, and her daughter of seven, Sharina, all came to the retreat center at Saltikovka, just outside Moscow. I taught on the "Laws of Generations" and asked everyone to draw a genogram showing patterns of blessings and curses. Nina and Galina compared notes and made a horrific discovery.
Their ancestors on all sides had been stable Christians until about 1920. After that, every single couple had been divorced as a result of the same pattern of behavior. The men drank, became violent and abandoned their wives and children. The women became bitter, angry with their men and nagged them incessantly. (These patterns developed concurrently.)
What happened in 1920 that was different from before? It was simple. Their families had been Christians until the Bolsheviks took over in 1917. Shortly thereafter, they recanted and joined the Communist Party. They committed idolatry. The had failed to receive the grace of God.
Nina's husband was like all the rest and she emulated her female mothers. He drank and she nagged. He was violent with his fists and she was violent with her tongue. He abandoned Nina and Galina and had not been heard from in years.
Galina followed the example of Nina and her husband obliged the family pattern until he ran off from Galina and Sharina. History was repeating itself in a vicious manner until they came to faith in Christ. Now Nina was serving as a Deaconess in a Pentecostal Church and Galina was enrolled in a Bible school. However, she needed 10,000 Russian Rubles to pay the fees. The first night of the retreat we prayed that God would provide those Rubles.
After learning about generational transmission of curses through idolatry, Nina gathered Galina and a group and went to the chapel to pray. After three hours of prayer, they went to bed exhausted, but satisfied that God had heard their petitions.
At about 11:00 PM the common telephone outside my room rang and a housekeeper ran to get Galina out of bed. Her father, from whom neither she nor her mother had heard from for several years, was on the line from Siberia. (How he found us tucked away in a retreat center is a miracle in itself.)
"I have a message for my only daughter. I apologize for abandoning you as a child and I want to make it up to you. I have been working in the oil fields in Siberia and am getting paid. I want to give you a gift of 10,000.00 Russian Rubles out of my salary."
Galina left on the trainthe next morning for Siberia to meet her father and collect the exact amount to pay for a year in Bible school. A Miracle? You bet!
During a ministry/training trip to Norway in 1988 a two colleagues had visions about ministry in the East. We later discovered that God meant the former USSR and events soon took us into Moscow and Saint Petersburg.
Fast forward to a retreat with about 40 men and women from various ministries. They all had some things in common.
1. They were all new in the faith. Some had come to Christ within the past two years and were now pastoring or leading healing/counseling/ recovery groups for addicts. Talk about the blind leading the blind!
2. They were strongly motivated to grow.
3. They knew nothing about how to minister to others.
The watchword for such a group is, "help them work on themselves while teaching about ministry to others." One situation was particularly interesting. A woman in her fifties, Nina, with a daughter about thirty, Galina, and her daughter of seven, Sharina, all came to the retreat center at Saltikovka, just outside Moscow. I taught on the "Laws of Generations" and asked everyone to draw a genogram showing patterns of blessings and curses. Nina and Galina compared notes and made a horrific discovery.
Their ancestors on all sides had been stable Christians until about 1920. After that, every single couple had been divorced as a result of the same pattern of behavior. The men drank, became violent and abandoned their wives and children. The women became bitter, angry with their men and nagged them incessantly. (These patterns developed concurrently.)
What happened in 1920 that was different from before? It was simple. Their families had been Christians until the Bolsheviks took over in 1917. Shortly thereafter, they recanted and joined the Communist Party. They committed idolatry. The had failed to receive the grace of God.
Nina's husband was like all the rest and she emulated her female mothers. He drank and she nagged. He was violent with his fists and she was violent with her tongue. He abandoned Nina and Galina and had not been heard from in years.
Galina followed the example of Nina and her husband obliged the family pattern until he ran off from Galina and Sharina. History was repeating itself in a vicious manner until they came to faith in Christ. Now Nina was serving as a Deaconess in a Pentecostal Church and Galina was enrolled in a Bible school. However, she needed 10,000 Russian Rubles to pay the fees. The first night of the retreat we prayed that God would provide those Rubles.
After learning about generational transmission of curses through idolatry, Nina gathered Galina and a group and went to the chapel to pray. After three hours of prayer, they went to bed exhausted, but satisfied that God had heard their petitions.
At about 11:00 PM the common telephone outside my room rang and a housekeeper ran to get Galina out of bed. Her father, from whom neither she nor her mother had heard from for several years, was on the line from Siberia. (How he found us tucked away in a retreat center is a miracle in itself.)
"I have a message for my only daughter. I apologize for abandoning you as a child and I want to make it up to you. I have been working in the oil fields in Siberia and am getting paid. I want to give you a gift of 10,000.00 Russian Rubles out of my salary."
Galina left on the trainthe next morning for Siberia to meet her father and collect the exact amount to pay for a year in Bible school. A Miracle? You bet!
Generational Patterns
About 20 years ago my good friend and fellwo therapist Steve Griebling began to teach me about a different approach to counseling. He had been working with addicts and their families for about ten years when it occurred to him that he was seeing a lot of brothers, sisters, children and cousins.
This came to Steve one day while he was looking at his old file cabinet and happened to see several folders with the same last names. Gene Johnson, Joe Johnson, Jim Johnson, Mike Johnson and Jane Johnson were all clustered together. He wondered why similar problems as well as similar strengths seemed to flow from generation to generation.
Steve was a strong Christian so he knew about the biblical descriptions of "Blessings and curses from generation to generation" but he, like most of us, had no training to discern how such things actually went down the genetic line. Then he met a teacher who taught him about genograms and family maps as a way of looking at multi-generational transmission of family traits. Steve taught me about genograms and I jumped in and read everything I could on the topic.
Now it is my favorite course and my favorite way to help people look at themselves and their family issues. For example Hebrews 12 says:
Therefore, strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees. 13 “Make level paths for your feet, so that the lame may not be disabled, but rather healed.
14 Make every effort to live in peace with all men and to be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord. 15 See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.
I believe scripture and take its promises and warnings seriously. If there is a possibility of having bitter roots come upon me and my offspring I want to stop it. But how? Once I learned about multi-generational transmission of patterns and spiritual characteristics I discovered how it can happen.
1. Fail to obtain and rlease God's grace to myself and others.
2. Roots of bitterness develop from a lack of grace.
3. Many generations can inherit bitterness from my lack of grace.
This makes me want to give myself and others plenty of grace. What is grace? How to I release it? How do I grow in grace?
About 20 years ago my good friend and fellwo therapist Steve Griebling began to teach me about a different approach to counseling. He had been working with addicts and their families for about ten years when it occurred to him that he was seeing a lot of brothers, sisters, children and cousins.
This came to Steve one day while he was looking at his old file cabinet and happened to see several folders with the same last names. Gene Johnson, Joe Johnson, Jim Johnson, Mike Johnson and Jane Johnson were all clustered together. He wondered why similar problems as well as similar strengths seemed to flow from generation to generation.
Steve was a strong Christian so he knew about the biblical descriptions of "Blessings and curses from generation to generation" but he, like most of us, had no training to discern how such things actually went down the genetic line. Then he met a teacher who taught him about genograms and family maps as a way of looking at multi-generational transmission of family traits. Steve taught me about genograms and I jumped in and read everything I could on the topic.
Now it is my favorite course and my favorite way to help people look at themselves and their family issues. For example Hebrews 12 says:
Therefore, strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees. 13 “Make level paths for your feet, so that the lame may not be disabled, but rather healed.
14 Make every effort to live in peace with all men and to be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord. 15 See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.
I believe scripture and take its promises and warnings seriously. If there is a possibility of having bitter roots come upon me and my offspring I want to stop it. But how? Once I learned about multi-generational transmission of patterns and spiritual characteristics I discovered how it can happen.
1. Fail to obtain and rlease God's grace to myself and others.
2. Roots of bitterness develop from a lack of grace.
3. Many generations can inherit bitterness from my lack of grace.
This makes me want to give myself and others plenty of grace. What is grace? How to I release it? How do I grow in grace?
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