Good Marriages

The favorite writer among marriage and family therapists is probably Dr. John Gottman. This is the man who has studied why marriages succeed and why they fail and has come up with some very helpful insights. Although his research is pretty sophisticated, his results are fairly simple. (Not easy, just simple.)

Gottman discovered that the way couples deal with the inevitable conflicts and differences in a marriage will predict if they are satisfied or miserable. Interestingly enough, his scientific research matches exactly that which Jesus taught 2000 years ago. And Jesus came up with the answers without all the fancy brain scans, blood pressure cuffs and heart rate machines. HMM!

Dr. Gottman found that when couples handle differences in a healthy manner, their marriages will be successful but if they fall into the trap of accusations and excuses watch out for a good lawyer. Happily, the skills of managing conflict are teachable and even troubled couples can learn them. (This is what we often do in counseling.)

Here is the key: Be angry but do not sin and do not let the sun go down on your bitterness.

When differences occur, we all get frustrated and impatient with reactivity on the inside. As long as we can control our emotional response and simply share our Complaints in a calm manner, we will survive. For example: I am really upset that you have not remembered to bring home the milk and cereal. You promised that you would take care of breakfast and I am frustrated.

This kind of a Complaint can be dealt with successfully. However, after some time, our frustrations may get the best of us and we move from a Complaint to a Criticism. You are really dumb to forget the cereal and milk again. I don't think you even care about remembering these things.

If a Criticism fails to work I may move on to Contempt. You are really lazy and shiftless can't you do anything right? You are just like your father and...

Even a mild Complaint can cause us to become anxious, worried and defensive but A Criticism really gets the juices flowing. Most of us, especially males, are built to be very sensitive to a threat so when facing a Criticism we will experience increased blood pressure and an immediate fight/flight response. God created us to be ready for an attack and nothing cause more stress and the development of the fight/flight hormonal release than a spousal assault.

But if you really want to see someone you love develop a chemical and emotional eruption just assault them with a contemptuous statement. Contempt attacks our essence as a man or woman. It is a character assassination and when it occurs the body goes into a full flood of defensive emotions. The first reaction is to attack the other person physically but that is contrary to the norms of society so we simply react with our own verbal Contempt and raise the level of flooding to a record levels.

Daniel Goleman, the author of EQ, tells about a coupe he saw coming out of a New York cafe. The male ran out first, slamming the door in anger, frustration and desperation. His female companion ran after him shouting, "Come back here you SOB and show m that you love me!"

She really wanted love but was not very good ate asking for it. Instead, out of her pain, disappointment and sadness attacked the very one whom she needed most. A good counselor could save them a lot of attorney's fees to say nothing of the grief, loss and depression of a divorce.

Far too many couples love each other and so desperately want love, tenderness and respect back that when they are disappointed they react violently and push away the person they need most.

Stop attacking!
Stop Criticizing!
Stop the Contempt!

Death or life are in the power of the tongue.

Offer gentle Complaints and work out the details in a mutually respectful manner.