Why Study Family From A Systemic Perspective?

Looking at the world through linear eyes is the primary way we have been trained to think in the western world. Unfortunately, that view leaves a lot to be desired for Christians. The Bible is an Eastern book that actually describes events and family life much more as a system than a straight cause and effect manner. For example, if you want to know how to live a long time the Bible tells us how.

Western doctors and exercise enthusiasts insist that we must put the right fuel in the tank in order to live long healthy lives. But the Bible says something different. God says Honor your father and your mother, as the LORD your God has commanded you, so that you may live long and that it may go well with you in the land the LORD your God is giving you. Dt 5:16

Many American leaders write books and preach sermons about how to rear children. The usually end up with something like, Seven Steps to Perfect Kids With No Sibling Rivalry. The Bible almost never offers seven or ten of anything because it recognizes that life is not linear. We cannot treat kids like billiard balls. When I play, and beat, my son Timothy at pool, I aim and push the cue so it hits the cue ball and the cue ball hits the nine ball to make sure it rolls smoothly into the side pocket. Simple: A hits B that roles into C and C rolls into the pocket.

Rearing children at home is not a linear issue. They do not respond like billiard balls. Family life is much more like a series of magnetized metal balls connection with electrical currents. The balls are labeled A, B, C, D, E and F. They are interconnected, not just in a circle but across to each other as well. I cannot show it on this blog so put your imagination to work.

When the electric current is turned on, every ball is charged and is either repelled or attracted to another ball. When I was a kid I sometimes played with magnets that had plastic dogs attached to them. We would take the magnets and place on on top of a piece of paper and the other on the bottom. When the top dog was turned or moved the bottom dog also moved or spun according to their polarity. When two positives are together the dogs repelled but a positive and a negative cause them to be drawn together.

This is like a family. When tension, conflict, changes and growth occur an electric charge shoots through the circuit and everything moves as a result. The positives attract but the negatives repel. It is not just the cue ball and the nine ball that moves but everyone that is connected.

The best thing to do to repair a conflicted couple may be to look at the unresolved conflict between the husband and his father rather than what is occurring between the husband and wife. We must leave home before we can cleave to a wife.

Scripture says: For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh. Genesis 2:23-25 I call this Leave, cleave and weave together.

If the man or woman has not fully left home but carries unhealthy habits, reactions and anger into the marriage it will be very difficult for that couple to develop commitment, cleave and intimacy, weave. Did you ever vow to be different from your dad or mom? Repent immediately and ask for forgiveness. Clean up all past areas of anger and bitterness. By going back we can move forward.

The universe operates in a systemic not a linear way. High and low tides come about from the moon and sun so waves cannot be controlled directly. Sibling rivalry comes from the way a parent relates to his/her child not from the way the child's sibling treats him. So, to try to control the kid directly will not, as a rule, work successfully.

If your child is acting out take a look at the way you interact with him. All chronic behavior is rewarded behavior. If you find yourself in a chronic battle of control with one of your children surrender. Quit fighting and refuse to give in to the temptation to retort, attack, get defensive or discipline. Surrender the desire to control your kids behavior and develop a structure that forces them to stay within the boundaries.

If you church board is acting out chronically trying to control you and the staff, look at the ways you are rewarding them and stop it.

If your behavior is not working-stop it.

If it is working-do more of it.

If it ain't broke-don't fix it.