Divorce Prevention

We who are in the family counseling profession know how to prevent divorces. The research is clear and we all have the knowledge and skills necessary to help couples develop emotional intimacy and reduce toxic conflict.

Yes, some conflict is toxic and some can be healing. Here are some guidelines.

Never accuse
Never excuse

Never accuse: By accusing our spouse we almost always end up attacking their personhood. Character attacks are forbidden in scripture because they disrespect a person created in God's image. Disrespect by a spouse, parent or close friend is the most painful thing in life.

Accusations like these, are out of bounds.

You are a liar
You failed again.
You never remember the important things.
You will be just like your dad/mother.

What is another option other than accusations?

I statements:
I want
I need
I like
I feel
I do not like it when you


Never excuse: Attacks stimulate us to excuse ourselves and become defensive to protect our fragile self image. It is normal and understandable for us to be tempted to excuse ourselves or shift the blame to another source but it is not healthy to do so.

When working at College Hill Presbyterian the staff developed a principle that we would try never to excuse ourselves no matter what our problem. If we came late to staff meeting we would simply say, "I failed." We were not allowed to say, "I had a flat tire" or "The traffic was awful" or "I needed gas" because that was an excuse.

When I forget my wife's birthday I will say, "I forgot! Forgive me" rather than, "Oh, things are so hectic at work."