I Don't Believe

Confessions of great men and women people who know nothing

(News item) Rev. William Phipps, head of the United Church of Canada, went public with his disbelief in Jesus. Phipps said, ?I do not believe that Christ was God, was bodily resurrected or was the only way to God.?

Phipps was supported by the Church?s General Council unanimously supported their moderator. They released a statement that reads: ?His comments are well within the spectrum of the United Church.?

As I pondered this surprising turn of events, I began to consider how other leaders might speak out on the issues of importance to their professions. Let us consider what some of these men and women of fame would say if they, like Rev. Mr. Phipps, also disbelieved in the most precious tenets of their respective fields. What if....?

Dr. Andy Grove, CEO of the Intel Corporation, stated that:

I do not believe in the microprocessor, that it is essential to computers, computing or to Intel. As a result, I do not believe that having Intel inside is such a good idea. The computer chip is not the only way to run microcomputers and I think the microprocessor will never replace the vacuum tube.

(The board of directors fired Dr. Grove after the Intel stock fell 75% in one day. Trading on the exchange has been halted until next week. Andy Grove has been committed to a private asylum for observation. Friends say the pressure of competing with paranoid hypervigilence have overwhelmed him. The Rev. Mr. Phipps of the United Church of Canada was heard to utter several expletives when informed that the investments of the United church had dropped several percentage points as a result of Grove?s interview.)

In related news, Bill Gates has been quoted as saying that the Windows interface is harder to navigate than that of the Apple Macintosh. The Wall Street Journal quotes Mr. Gates as saying

I do not think Windows is a good way to operate a computer. Why do people pay hundreds of dollars for buggy software in a box when they could learn the Mac system so easily? I really feel badly that we stole the OS from Mac. The Microsoft Windows' software is not very good nor is it essential to operating computers well. I hope that everyone will buy an inexpensive box that has no software in it because that would save a lot of money.

(The Microsoft board of directors met in emergency session to discuss the current flap. Mr. Gates, the richest man in the United States and the owner of millions of Microsoft shares, has taken an extended leave of absence to return to his first love, gardening.)

At a recent conference on the influence of Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., Rev. Jesse Jackson said:

I do not believe in equality for African Americans. They are inferior to European Americans and should not be considered as full citizens of the United States. Further, I think that Martin Luther King, Jr. was a fraud who led our people into a terrible bondage. It is not important for African Americans to push for equality of opportunity under the law.

(The board of directors of PUSH released a statement that disavowed Rev. Jackson?s comments and put him on indefinite leave.)

Ms. Kate Michelson of the National Organization for Women, (NOW) was recently quoted as opposing women?s rights.

?I do not believe in women?s rights? she said at a recent conference on law in American life. ?Women should return to their place of submission and subservience. We have ruined young women?s lives by filling their heads with all these ideas about equality. From now on, please call me Mrs. John J. Michelson. I am proud to wear my husband's name.

(The NOW board put out a statement of disagreement with Ms. Michelson and suggested that her bout with drugs and depression after leaving a lesbian relationship was to blame for her misguided statement.)

In related stories,

Mick Jagger no longer believes in rock and roll;

Justice of the Supreme Court Ruth Bader Ginsburg no longer believes in the Constitution of the USA;

Colin Powell no longer believes in discipline, order or military preparedness;

Dan Rather no longer believes in news;

Newt Gingrich no longer believes in the Republican Party;

John Glenn no longer believes in flying;

The Wall Street Journal no longer believes in free enterprise;
and Dave Letterman no longer believes in laughter.

Possibly the most astounding part of the flurry of denials is the position they take on keeping their job. To a person they deny that their repudiation of the post to which they have been called should have any impact on keeping that position.Should anyone disagree the traitors shall sue for discrimination and hate crimes.

Predictably, some narrow minded, rigid thinking people reacted strongly to these statements and some of the boards took immediate action to fire the people who were bold enough to speak their minds.

Thanks to Rev. Phipps, the whole world has gone bloomin mad.

gsweeten@lifewaycenters.com
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