Generational Leadership

For the past few weeks a small group of us have been meeting at Life Way Counseling Centers to discuss how our family of origin influences our approach to ministry. It is an entirely new way to look at pastoral and ministry leadership. It connects our ministry calling to that of our parents and siblings as well as former generations. http://www.lifewaycenters.com/

I have led such groups many times and I am always learning more and more about myself. When I hear the fascinating stories about other people I have a window into my own family and I can see more clearly the things that continue to hang onto me from the past.

For a long time I have knowingly struggled with the need to impress others with my knowledge and accomplishments. I have always tried to impress my family in order to get their approval. It has not worked, of course, for that is not the way God works. If we try to save our life we will lose it. Only when we lose our life in Christ will we save it.

Although I am not unique in that regard, it is a compulsive trait that I want to stop but I, like Paul in Romans 7, "Know what is right but I cannot do it." I need deliverance!!!

A few years ago I discovered one of the antecedents of my compulsions and somewhat successfully prayed that God would heal me. I am happy to report that I experienced substantial healing but not total healing. Such is life and I am still seeking God's full deliverance.

Here is what happened then. I worked very hard to get a Masters and Doctorate and placed them like precious jewels before my parents and elder brother in order to get affirmation and accolades. It failed, of course for I was seeking to save myself.

Later I wrote several books and sent each one to my family hoping against hope that they would read them and say nice things about me and how well I was doing. It never happened. About 15 years ago I was teaching a group at Fuller Seminary and my elder brother came to pick me up at LAX Airport. Before long he asked in a hurt tone why I had never sent him any of my books so he could read them. (My response was total shock. I desperately wanted him to read them and I mentioned them at every possible opportunity.)

I said something like, "I did send them to you but you have forgotten."

Maury lectured me about how I left him out of his life. (I was thankfully non-defensive for God had healed me of wanting to please him.)

Upon arrival at his home, Maury said to his wife Angela and my classmate in high school, "Gabe (My Nick name) says he sent us copies of his books but he didn't." Angela replied, "Oh yes he did. They are in the den." Upon hearing this I went to that bookcase and retrieved them for Maury to see. He was a total amnesiac about ever seeing them before.

Here is the principle: If we try to save our life we lose it. It was my compulsive demand for Maury to affirm me that blinded his eyes. Angela could see my books because she had no investment in the generational family dysfunction. For many years I tried to change Maury and failed; miserably. It finally occurred to ask Jesus to change------ ME!

Are there any areas where you cannot see that which is in front of you?
Are there areas where you desperately want affirmation to but cannot get it to "save your life"?
Is there any pattern of compulsive behavior in your life that is associated with generational issues?

Today I read some family history that reveals more about the consequences of trying to save myself. I will tell that story in the next post.