Family Systems; A Hebrew Approach

About 20 years ago the Lord brought a man into my life who taught me a whole new way of thinking about family counseling. He told me about putting new glasses on so I could see the family as a connected whole rather than a disconnected bunch of individuals.

Imagine that everyone in your family tree is emotionally and spiritually tied together like a group climbing Mt. Everest. If one falls there is an immediate and dramatic pull on every one who holds the rope.

It was though I had put on 3-D glasses and could see things I never saw before. The first 3-D movie I ever saw was Fort Ticonderoga and I was scared out of my wits when the flaming arrows came toward me and hatchets flew by my ear with a whiz. Seeing family dynamics is a similar jolt.

I had learned about families as though each member was surrounded by an invisible shield that kept us from responding to or influencing each other. Now such a quaint idea sounds pretty preposterous but it is still taught in some schools of counseling. Now when I hear that a woman cannot get pregnant or a son cannot hold a job I wonder about the ways the family has interacted over the past three or four generations.

I was unable to understand my own foibles and strengths until I saw four generations on a genogram. (A genealogy with mental, emotional, spiritual and physical patterns clearly displayed.) After one particularly profound week with Rabbi Dr. Edwin Friedman in Bethesda, Maryland I was overwhelmed with an insight about my "agreeing" to enter into the middle of my parents conflicts. An arrangement that bound my family's dynamic patterns for years and marked me with a compulsive desire to fix others' problem. No wonder I felt led into counseling and ministry. Being a Christian martyr gets a fellow a lot of affirmation.

Thankfully Dr. Friedman helped me see many of those compulsive patterns. Because I had learned how to pray about generational bondages in the past I was able to apply spiritual resources to those fleshly lusts.

So, thanks to Steve Griebling, a good friend who introduced me 20 years ago to the study of family systems and to Dr. Friedman whose humor and wisdom cut through my defenses and allowed the Lord to bring substantial healing. Not total. Not final. Not complete. But, a lot. Substantial.

Julie & David Knispel and Tim& Shelley Sweeten are actively continuing the generational flow. I am exceedingly happy that the grace and mercy of God has broken the chain of many past fleshly patterns. Jacob and Lily Knispel and Jack Donovan Sweeten have a cleaner slate than Karen and I and healthier parents to help them grow.

The photos posted with this blog speak volumes about the power of generational love and prayers. Karen and I have prayed for the mates and offspring of our children since we first married. Jack Donovan's birth makes the message of God's blessings and answered prayers very real.